Today was my second appointment at the gender identity clinic and after my first appointment, I was quite looking forward to it.
The weather was pretty awful today, it was light rain when we left Taunton but Devon was a different proposition entirely. Even as we went past the county border beyond Wellington, the weather changed considerably and driving became difficult. It was with some relief that we finally got parked in Exeter and headed off into the city. My hair was the first casualty, I hadn't bothered any major styling today and for good reason, within 30 seconds of leaving the car, it was all over the place - in my mouth, eyes and even up my nose!
We had a small wander around before heading off to the Laurel's. We got there and this time the lift was working although there was some confusion as to it's relationship with gravity. I put Mandy in there and because it was quite small, had to leave her and walk down the stairs myself. I pushed the button for the lower ground but it said "lift going up"! This panicked Mandy but she needn't have worried as the lift was headed down.
We checked in and I soon went in for my session. I must admit to finding this second appointment to be very hard going. It's hard to explain but I'll give it my best shot as to why I am finding it frustrating. Firstly, I am finding it tiring to be constantly questioned on what I say. I am asked a question, I give it my best answer and then asked to explain more. Sometimes there isn't any more and I let the silence fill the void. There are many things I have worked out myself and I can't think of how to express it in words. This is linked in with the issue that I have already transitioned with regards going full-time and name changing and I know where I am headed. There are no doubts in my head as to the fact I want to be a woman, always wanted to be and should have been born so. To constantly be prodded and probed with all this questioning in this manner is not very useful to me.
It was suggested I was putting up barriers so we delved a little deeper into this. I decided there would be no messing around here, and told her straight that I find it annoying to have to prove to someone (again) that I am a transsexual. I have had 3 years of trying to bring my life back into my control only to have that control placed back into someone else hands. I did ask what happens if we get to the end of this and I do not get my transsexual diagnosis? I received no answer to this so my fears have not been allayed. I have agreed to try not to put up the barriers in the future but it all seems so one sided, some of the questions seem so irrelevant, like how did I find sex as a man? As far as I am concerned, the man in me died a few years ago and wasn't ever me anyway so anything I did as him is completely meaningless. I find it bizarre that in the two hours I have had, we have not even really touched upon how I feel now which is what is important.
I guess I am probably going to be an awkward customer. I am a Samaritan and very in touch with my thoughts and feelings. I know what I want and need no double checking to be sure. I hope I can work through this in the coming months but it is not going to be easy.
There were lots of other niggles today and to be honest, I don't think I got anything out of it. This part of the process is called "therapy" but I found nothing therapeutic about it. What is it that they think I need sorting in my head?
One positive thing is that my next appointment is only a fortnight away. No longer being employed makes it much easier to fit this in with my life and I need that appointment sooner rather than later to try to get this back on track, because I feel it seriously derailed today.
Fingers crossed for next time.