After yesterday disastrous day at the gender clinic, it came as no surprise that first thing in the morning I found it all churning away in my head. I tried to deal with this by going out for a walk at the very start of the day. Walking has helped in the past clear my head and today didn't clear my head but did help in a small way.
This all follows on from yesterdays grey day post and I will admit I was not in a good place then. I said to a close friend recently by email that I have a distrust of psychiatrists. I had no justification for this statement as I have hardly had any contact with them in my life. All I had to go on was what I had read and others experiences. I did leave this distrust at the door in my sessions at the gender clinic but now find this view to be reinforced.
Over the last few years I have number crunched my gender dysphoria to death in my head. A Cray supercomputer would not have been able to handle the data I have moved around! I am 100% positive I want to be a woman. If someone said to get to such and such for your surgery tomorrow, I would have no hesitation in going for that. Of course this would not be possible because the system has failed me recently and I am well behind in where I should be with my treatment.
So it comes as a great annoyance that I am here having to prove to someone who has no experience of being transsexual, that I am transsexual. I have the mind that if I balls (no pun intended!) this up, then I am going to end up in some kind of limbo.
I grew tired yesterday of having everything I said picked apart and analysed. It felt like a dog gnawing at a bone. If I say something, I would like it to be accepted. I appreciate they want to know 100% but this is not helping me emotionally.
Another issue, well failing actually, is I am left with no support whatsoever. I have this blog as an outlet and some close friends as well as my partner Mandy. However, it is starting to feel like I am drawing the lines of battle here and I am tired of fighting. I spent years of fighting myself, then fighting the system and finally I am starting to have to fight those that are supposed to be helping me.
I am lucky in that a friend has just emailed me with some information. She knew a TS friend who had the same issues as me. Frustration, anger and anguish were her words and I can feel all of that. This made her friend spiral into depression and I could really see how easily that could happen. Knowing that I am not alone helps but this is wrong and we should not have to go through this.