Sunday, 1 June 2014

The backside of May

I think the title says it all, I am quite glad to see the end of May. It has been a very difficult month for me and I would hope there aren't any more like this during my transitioning. Bear in mind I am comparing this to future pain with regards GRS (gender reassignment surgery). Physical pain I have always been able to cope with, emotional pain is very much harder.

The difficulties started in February. This was when I had the surprise of being put forward for GRS well ahead of what I was expecting. Sadly, the gender clinic, The Laurels, had made a mistake and I still didn't meet the criteria with regards adequate time on hormones. I was written to when this mistake was realised and told of this with the plan to start the process in May.

However, I had trust issues with the doctor there, he had made a serious mistake with my treatment in July 2013 and now another one. This led me to worry about whether he would remember to start the process at the correct time. My psychotherapist at the Laurel's tried to assure me she would work to get this started and I took a small level of comfort from this. 

May came along and I started to find the waiting game very hard going. I made some efforts to try to ease my worries by trying to engage with others in the community. Exeter Pride was early in the month and this was a good distraction. This led to me going to a trans coffee evening the following night and it was suggested that I wait until the middle of May before contacting the Laurel's to find out what was happening.

The rest of this issue has to be kept under wraps because it is the source of an investigation at this moment. I am hoping to have it resolved by Tuesday and will write about it accordingly. However I can say there are two major issues, and it could be considered medical negligence on the clinics part. I have made an offer as to what I want to placate me but if it is not met, I am considering legal action.

This has made the last fortnight particularly hard and I must thank Mandy, my partner, for being there with all the tears I have shed. It has been a daily grind to get through all this and I am only now starting to see and end to the pain. I am awaiting a phone call from the Laurel's and hoping that that will be the end of it all and I am moving on to Brighton for my GRS.

Even amongst all this, there were positives this month. I have completely accepted my female identity, with all trace of the man in me gone. This was an overnight realisation and took me very much by surprise. I am still not sure what triggered this but suspect it's a combination of hormones and everything I have achieved in my transition finally clicking into place in my head. This new found acceptance is probably what got me through May.

There was also the 2nd opinion. This was rushed through by the Laurel's as a way of trying to accommodate me with what they had done. With less then 24 hours notice, I was driving up to Bristol and then talking to Dr. Hodgson. In his words, this was the final hoop to jump through and this was a good feeling.

June has started and in a few days, I hope to have the final letter written and be able to look at things in a much more positive light.

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