It's another depressing entry into the blog of life I'm afraid but it seems that it comes with the territory of transitioning. I am not normally a negative person, but my whole escapade through the medical part of this journey has led to some very challenging times. I really wanted to do a hormone update to describe a year on them, but this is more relevant to my situation at the moment.
When I finally got through the whole process of 2nd opinion and referral for surgery, I really felt my troubles were over. I was finally on the move towards my gender reassignment surgery (GRS) and in the hands of the Nuffield group who were never going to mess me around. I should have realised it was too good to be true because sure enough there were more problems to overcome. This has come in the form of a lack of funding. As my previous entry described, last Tuesday I was cleared medically for my surgery and then told I would be given no date until the funding situation was sorted.
I have spent the last week having to deal with very up and down feelings. Some days I have been extremely low and others I have managed to pick myself and get on with things. The weekend was not helped by a supposed pair of friends deciding to lash out at me for being selfish in wanting my surgery sooner rather than waiting an undetermined amount of time.
A week on and I am still in a very sensitive place. A part of the reason for this are the emotional changes brought on by the hormones I now take. The daily dose of estradiol I take has changed the way I deal mentally with everything. As a man I could get over a problem like this and then pack it away permanently dealt with. As a woman, it is not so easy and problems need to be revisited. Speaking to cis-women confirms this so I suppose at least this is an affirmation of my gender.
But it's bloody hard to deal with sometimes. Just this afternoon, after a positive morning, I find myself in tears and struggling to deal with things. I examine why I am like this and it is mainly because I do not know what the situation is. When I was referred, I was told to expect a date for surgery of approximately November or December. If the funding situation does not resolve, I could be expecting April to June next year. If I was contacted tomorrow, and told my surgery was mid May next year, I could probably handle that because at least I would have a goal to aim for.
To add to the problem, people are being told different things when they go for their pre-op assessment. Some are being told they are going to get dates, and others like myself are being told they wont get dates. This is just adding to everyone's anxiety and tension.
I am also finding that I am having prolonged spells of anhedonia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia, which are making day to day life difficult. Things that used to interest me or give me pleasure are not working and it is making for long and difficult days. Sometimes I feel that I am just getting up, getting through the day and then going to bed just to get to the next day. I feel like I am wasting my life and achieving nothing with myself.
Am I depressed? This is a tricky one to answer definitively. I have had periods of this in the past but they have resolved in a number of days. However, I may not get any news on this situation for a number of weeks, possibly September. I do have a friend visiting in a few days and she is staying for nearly two weeks. This should lift me for a time, and perhaps just talking to someone else may help. My partner Mandy has helped by listening, this but sometimes another pair of ears can help in different ways. This is not an criticism of Mandy, but sometimes it's hard to burden those closest to you and they can often struggle to support because they are concerned for you.
Of course my friend will be disappearing in a couple of weeks and I may be back where I was. I do have some projects that I am working on and I am hoping there will be some fruition of those so that I can have some distractions to take me away from this anxiety. Failing that, I am going to have to come up with something to get me out of this mire. If not, I am off to the GP for advice.