As I mentioned in my last entry, recently I have discover some very strong emotional changes in myself and they appeared virtually overnight.
This odd feelings started a couple of weeks ago, soon after I got my date for my GRS. Depression is something I have had to deal with because of all the issues surrounding this and it took a little time for this to lift. The anxiety that was coupled with it has been slower to go but they are two separate entities and that may take some time to completely disappear. It may even linger until I finally do have my surgery.
Sticking with the depression, as I said, it took a little while to go and for a time I still felt very "unhappy". This was very surprising as there was so much positivity in my life. Was I still depressed perhaps? This was something that did worry me because after much discussion with my GP, we had felt it was something I would come out of when I got my date for surgery. Therefore it was not clinical depression as such even if the symptoms were the same. We had agreed that I had situational depression or adjustment disorder - but now I was concerned that it may have been clinical depression all along.
I spent a good week struggling with this "unhappiness" and wondering what was going on in my mind. One good coping mechanism I have is my running. Every day, first thing in the morning I go out for a 70-80 minute run. This has two effects, it keeps me fit physically and emotionally. That hour plus is where I get me time and work through anything that is troubling me. It has not kept the black dog at bay, but has helped me get through it and make it more manageable. It has been during these runs recently that I have been trying to get to the root of this problem.
I examined why I thought I was unhappy? Everything was suddenly going really well in our lives. We had found our new flat, I had got it ready, moved and and now we were happy and comfortable in it. We also had new financial security in that we were no longer affected by the bedroom tax as we had been before. I had found a new and exciting path with my voluntary work. We also changed my old wreck of a car for a Motability car in the summer so there were never going to be issues in that department. Additionally, I have reached my ideal weight for myself and feel fit and healthy in that regard. Finally, I had my date for my GRS, the one thing that was giving me the depression.The answers were not coming and I was starting to get very frustrated with it all.
Eventually though, I managed to get to the bottom of it. Last Monday (10th) was an emotional day for two reasons. The first was that I had a perineal LASER session at the Exeter Nuffield. Having your parts LASER'd hardly stirs emotions but it was the fact it was the final one ever before my surgery. You have to cease all hair removal a few weeks prior to surgery so that the surgical site is not irritated. I had worked it all out and there was not going to be an opportunity to have any more. This meant I had to say my final goodbyes to Lynne who has done all my LASER over the last 18 months or so. We gave her a card and a gift to thank her for everything she has done for me. She might be paid for doing all this, but she has handled sensitive situations really well and always put me at my ease. She has also been someone who has listened when times were not so good. It was quite a sad moment in the end.
Waiting for me in the waiting room was a very good friend of mine. The next part of the day was a small matter of taking her up to Brighton for her own GRS later in the week. This was one of the most pleasant long drives I have ever done. It was emotional but very positive and it was a pleasure to have been asked to do this for her. It is one of those occasions where being asked to do a favour, it then turns into them doing you an honour by asking you to do it.
We returned from Brighton in very high spirits and because of the emotion of the day, there was much less conversation. This gave me some quiet time whilst driving to ponder on things and it suddenly came to me that I was not unhappy, I was just emotional. I thought a little deeper and realised that the hormones that had done their magic prior to my depression, had actually continued to work in the background whilst I was in the fog of depression. Suddenly the fog had cleared and I had been hit with this new emotional state although I had misinterpreted it as a continuation of the depression.
I talked to Mandy about this and she seemed in agreement. I stated that I knew as soon as I got home, I would send my friend a text and then burst into tears. It was an interesting prediction and sure enough it happened. The next few days were full of this, memories of the depression would start floods of tears. Talking to my friend in Brighton would trigger more and talking to another friend about her difficulties would start me off again. I am also not as stable as I used to be in a crises either. A typical example was that my porridge boiled over in the microwave last week and made a hell of a mess. I was trying to get my breakfast and Mandy's done, and I got completely flustered by it all. I ended up unable to do anything, it was just too much! Even small things suddenly have more meaning. I was struggling with it all last weekend and I was speaking to someone on Facebook. I hardly knew this person but when I said I was feeling very emotional and finding it hard, they simply said "hug". Suddenly this word had a more massive meaning than it had ever done before.
It has been quite an interesting time and I found it a little overwhelming initially. I have learned to accept it though over the last week or so and found it easier to just go with it all.I wrote about finding the woman in me in May and felt that the hormones had finished working their wonders then. It seems there was more in store and perhaps there is even more to come in the future.
However, it will all be on hold soon. In 10 days, I have to go through the dreaded stopping of the hormones for my GRS. I have no anti-androgen in my system so I am going to get a testosterone surge as well. It will make for interesting writing, but the experience? We will have to see...