Tuesday, 30 December 2014

Stopping Hormones - Week 4

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I'll start with the acne, as I have done pretty much from the start! At the end of week 2, I was ready to believe that it was getting better. Week 3 kind of stopped this feeling with it getting worse. This week has again starter better and ended up with the suspicion that it's going to get worse again. The spots eased for a few days but there have been some new ones recently, adding to the raised areas from the previous one. I now think I have this for the duration. This did also lead me to do some research on testosterone and I found out the half life of the hormone, which is 2-4 hours. The great news is that once I am post-op, I have about 15 hours before I will have the T levels of a cis-gender woman. 24 hours and it should be virtually eliminated from my body. Hopefully then, within a few days the excess sebum which is causing the problem will dwindle and it will ease off.

The hot flushes have again been on and off.I went three days without one and thought that perhaps that would be the end of them until I am post op when there will be no hormones in my body whatsoever. However, Sunday saw a sudden hot flush in the middle of the day and it was more the suddenness of it that took me by surprise than anything. Since then, I have had a few a day and it is a reminder that they have not gone away.

Again, the night time erections continue and they are often all night long. They are not particularly wanted and sometimes are enough to stop me sleeping. It's also extremely difficult to go to the toilet for obvious reasons. Someone has suggested taking a large mallet to bed, but I am not so sure whether this has merits, I still need the thing for my surgery! I try to take comfort from the fact that all this will help with my dilation post-op but it is difficult sometimes. 

As I wrote about in my Gential Dysphoria post, the sex drive is still zero so using these erections is not even possible. The more I continue along, the more uncomfortable I am with my genitals and the more glad I will be to get to my surgery. I have heard some write in the past about how the last week was the worst and there were so many doubts and second thoughts. I am two weeks away and my thoughts are completely opposite with no signs of it turning around. 

Other body changes; the breasts have stopped diminishing and although they are flaccid, they do still have a good shape and can be persuaded to look semi-decent with a bra. Body hair has not increased either, although nearly 5 years of epilation has probably beaten that into submission anyway. Facial hair has increased although that is difficult to completely be sure. At one point because of the acne, I was epilating it every 36 hours but have found I need to go back to 24 hours or else there are too many and they are longer. One final change I have noticed is that my skin is not as soft as it was, it is definitely reverting back to it's former harder self and I need to moisturise certain areas because of the changes.

Finally, emotionally things have become much different. As already mentioned I am now much more aware of how uncomfortable I am with my body. I also feel much more tearful and reactive emotionally. I am much more sensitive to comments and how things are said and this has led to one or two arguments with Mandy. We have got through them and talking afterwards is key to moving on. It is not going to get any easier for the short term and the anticipation of the surgery does not help much either. Also I am finding myself much more weepy. One particularly triggering phenomena is other women crying. This includes TV and real life. Whilst I was starting to find this happening more prior to stopping the hormones, it is even more apparent now. On TV, it has to be a very good crying scene and it has to be a woman, but it is extremely powerful when I do connect. There is something I see in the facial expressions of a crying woman that triggers this and there is then very little I can do. Other situations are Mandy crying or even someone on the phone. I also find crying a massive release and when I am emotional, it really helps me to move on. It just surprises me that with all this testosterone, it has gotten stronger!

I will update about this this once more at the end of next week, just prior to the 6 weeks mark. After that, I will have had my surgery and any development hormonally (or lack of!) can be included in anything I am able to write about my post-op experience. I will be back later this week with something else and look forward to writing it.

Lucy x

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