6 months post-op

***Content Warning*** 

Discusses matters of a sexual nature

Please click away if this is likely to offend.

So here we are, at the 6 month mark already. It is hard to believe that time can go so quickly but it has and this is the 6 month update. 

I would also like to make people aware that this update concerns me and my own journey. It has become apparent from seeing many of my friends having their own GRS, that not everyone will have as smooth and quick a recovery as me. What I write should only be taken as guidance and individual recovery rates vary drastically. 

Physically, it has gone really well. I have been working on the external scars with the Bio-oil and they are fading really nicely. I wasn't too bothered about the scars initially but they were a reminder that I needed a procedure to give me a vagina and as time has moved on, I have felt more like I would like them gone. So, on initial looking at the whole external area, it just looks amazing; there simply is no other word to describe it. Apart from those faded scars, there is simply no way to tell it apart from a birth vagina unless you really know what to look for. Perhaps the give-away might be how perfect it does look, it is really tidy and looks like a designer one. I removed all the hair a couple of months ago, and this just contributed to it's overall look.

I had a small amount of external granulation, and some internal, return after Mr. Thomas had done his work with the silver nitrate stick and after taking advice I approached my GP with the hope that she would treat me herself. She agreed and we proceeded to acquire some sticks to do this. The last few months have seen me visit her three times to treat this. The small piece of external granulation went with the first treatment but internally, I have just had the third treatment by her (the fourth in total). I have had more specula inserted into me in the last 4 months than many cisgender women have had in their lives! However, we think this might be the last treatment as the two patches I have in the far end of the vault of the vagina are now very small (5mm in diameter) and not standing proud any longer. In 5 weeks she will have a look and hopefully sign me off as fully healed.

The clitoral area has healed really nicely, with the hood sitting nicely over the clitoris. When I had my post-op check in March I was advised that I could now start exploring myself in a intimate way and for the last three months, I have been trying. This has been a very frustrating experience and I have just ended up tearful and upset every time. No matter what we (Mandy and myself) tried, we could not get anything to work. Toys, tongues and fingers were utilised but to no avail. I had been advised to wait 18 months before giving up but a few weeks ago I was ready to write off that side of my life. Perhaps it was better to give up and try to move on then keep upsetting myself with failed attempts. 

Interestingly, during a particularly bad bout of PMT a few weeks ago, I found myself suddenly feeling aroused. Speaking to other women who have PMT, it seems this is a very common occurrence and I think it is down to the body realising that it is at this point it is most fertile (in cisgender women). I was alone in the flat, and decided that rather than wait for Mandy to return home (and risk the moment going away), I would just go for it. This was a very much different feeling than I had had before and I just acted on impulse. Because of the arousal, I knew what felt right for me and with some effort I managed to finally achieve an orgasm for the first time since my surgery. 

There were a few tears afterwards and I finally felt complete. It might seem a trivial thing to some, and the risks of losing it are something we all understand before surgery but to finally achieve that moment with the right anatomy was very satisfying indeed. I needed that arousal to teach me what was right because it was in contradiction of anything I have learnt from the (very few) women I have been with in the past. Going for the clitoris itself did not work and I used an area just above it which was more on the pubic bone.

Dilation continues to go well, although just before and just after my granulation treatment, it can be a little painful particularly when I insert the dilator the last inch. I have now settled on the largest dilators, now using a 35mm and a 40mm. I am still twice a day but from today I can drop to once according to the paperwork I was given. Instead of this, I am going to ease myself down to once over the next few months. So at the moment two days a week I only dilate once (in the morning). Every month, I will knock another day off and by December this will put me at once a day. I still need to say that dilation is not a problem for me and I use the time as relaxation. There is still much negativity about dilation and how it takes over your life but I have found that by embracing it, it has not been like this at all. That said, it was very nice to drop to twice a day and those two days of once a day at this time are also welcome. We have also just had our water bill for the last 6 months, and all that extra showering has increased it by 50%! That should be the most expensive water bill we ever have though.

Urination continues to be a random affair. Sometimes it comes out in a nice direct stream but often it becomes a bit erratic and it has been known to shoot out over the top of the seat; thank goodness we have a wet room! Most often though, it points to the left and gets the top of my leg wet. Again, this was a known factor going into surgery and I accept this might be the case for the rest of my life.

Emotionally, and this ties in with hormones, things have changed drastically since before surgery. PMT, I reported about at 3 months and also mentioned above with regards sexual function. This has become even stronger still and I have had to develop coping mechanisms to deal with it. It does not help with the fact it ties in with Mandy having hers and this flat becomes a bit of a melting pot. My main course of support is to talk to friends and I now know who I can call when this is the case. I am also much more sensitive generally and this feels much more aligned with who I always was. That battle with the testosterone is now well and truly gone and it all seems so right. I have a much calmer attitude, I keep control in arguments better and just seem generally very settled in my mind. I seem much more able to walk away from confrontation and having the last word, even when I know I am right, is not important any longer. Even my mental health seems better, the problem I had with minor PTSD seems so much less of a problem now; I am able to let worry go far better than before. Typically, this new attitude has coincided with my starting CBT to deal with worry and I am struggling with that as the exercises I am given do not work because I seem unable to worry to the same degree as I used to.

Physically, my whole body is unrecognisable from January when it was suffering from the ravages if the testosterone. The acne I had is now almost gone with just an occasional flare up. My skin all over is now the softest ever and this is coupled with my coarse body hair being about 25% of what it was 6 months ago. My breasts have grown nicely, but gently which is good for long term gains. My body shape is also changed with hips growing, again in a gentle fashion. My facial shape is also better than before and I hope to see more changes in the next few months.

All in all, I am very satisfied with the outcome of my surgery. In fact, it has achieved even more than I thought possible. I knew roughly what I was going to end with because I was shown photo's on my pre-op but in reality it looks even better and more real than I could ever have imagined. I struggle to even remember what was there before and I think this is because of the reality of what I have now. It sometimes feels like I have always had this and the physical dysphoria of old is now starting to become a distant memory of the past. Anyone that thinks the NHS wastes money with this surgery needs to think again, it has truly fixed me and I am more able to go about my life as a congruent person thereby costing less money in the long term. I am one happy customer.

My GRS time-line :

• Surgery recollections - The day of the surgery itself.
• Bed rest - The days following surgery and the critical resting phase.
• Vaginal pack removal and first dilations - The day I saw my vagina for the first time and started dilating.
• Catheter woes and first solo dilations - Catheter comes out, goes back in again! I also dilate without supervision for the first time.
• An adventure of a lifetime - Getting back home and reflecting on the whole experience.
• 10 days post-op - Getting back to normality and bad smells!
• 2 weeks post-op - Catheter removal and successful toileting.
• 3 weeks post-op - Healing well and advancing dilation. 
• 4 weeks post-op - More healing and hot flushes.
• 6 weeks post-op - An emotional time. 
• 2 Months post-op - A clitoris emerges! 
• 3 Months Post-op - All healed and looking good.

Also:

• Dilation FAQ's - Some ins and outs of dilation 
• Post GRS emotions - Dealing with the emotional roller coaster aftermath.

Certificated and finished

A few weeks ago on our return from the Lake district, we found a letter in amongst all the other post that was from the Gender Recognition Panel. It stated that the panel were meeting on the 6th July (Monday) and my application would be one of those looked at that day. It also mentioned that I would only be contacted by post concerning the outcome and to wait up to ten working days for this.

I tried not to think about it too much and didn't really expect anything until the end of this week or even half way through next. It was with surprise that I received an email from Mandy on Wednesday, whilst out, saying a big envelope had arrived that had "do not bend" written on it. She felt it was my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate) and I must admit to thinking the same. I had to finish what I was doing though, I was at a carer's forum discussion the county councils commitment to carer's launch. But as soon as I had finished, I drove home and excitedly opened the envelope. Sure enough there it was, a piece of paper that now enshrines my gender in law. No one can argue now, I am legally a woman and no longer have to use the gender reassignment portion of the Equalities Act (EQ). I also have more rights with regards my privacy and some of this is covered by criminal laws.
 
There has been a great deal of debate about the necessity for a GRC with the EQ Act covering most aspects that a GRC used to grant. It is interesting that most who insist you do not need one are those who do not have one, possibly not wanting to go through the rigmarole of the form. There are also some who state they do not want their lives reduced to a piece of paper. Regardless of what anyone says, this piece of paper was a very welcome sight on Wednesday and it means a great deal to me.

Also inside the envelope were details of what would happen with my birth certificate.The registrar would write to me with a draft new birth certificate. This arrived the next day, with instructions on what to do and a first class return address label to fix to my envelope. This is now in the post and soon I can expect my new birth certificate, although I had to pay for a full copy. On that certificate it will state my new name and my birth sex as female. This means that I do not have to out myself when showing this certificate, as I had to do very recently when having to prove I can work in this country (for an unpaid voluntary post bizarrely!). I will also be recognised as being female all my life, which is something I truly believe. The mistake will have been truly corrected, physically and emotionally with myself and also in a legal sense. 

Most importantly, Mandy and myself can now marry with me in the correct gender. We can think about setting a date now and get on with organising the event itself.

One thing I am struck with is how quick and streamlined this has all been since Monday. It almost seems like now I have been accepted in womanhood formally, they can't do enough for me. I have had so many years of waiting for this and that and this process does not need to be to speedy. But it has been rush, rush, rush!

This is also the very last part of my transitioning. I do still have to remove my facial hair, and that is still a long way of completion. But all the major stuff is over and one of the most annoying aspects of transitioning, the scrutiny of my life, is finished. There is no more having to answer questions about my past, how I felt and suchlike. My box of paperwork I saved for doing my GRC can be shredded along with reams of paperwork from the Laurel's. It's all over now and I can truly move forwards with everything now, living that life as the woman I have always been.

Catch up, blog thoughts and a special day

It has been a fortnight since I last updated my blog and I have been thinking a great deal about where to go with this blog. Its primary purpose was to journal my transitioning and a great deal of that is now behind me. I have had suggestions about moving it along with my own life, but finding topics that are interesting is quite difficult. It is not so much about whether anyone would find this interesting but more about whether I would find it interesting to write about it. 

After some pondering, I have felt that I will continue with the blog but updates may be a little more irregular. I get feedback about some of it and the whole GRS part is very popular. There is still more updates on this as I am not yet completely healed and the 6 month mark is approaching fast. In fact, I am quite excited about writing that update because it will give me an opportunity to see just how things have moved on; emotionally and physically. There are new opportunities emerging in my life now and perhaps they will be good to write about these as they progress. 

In short, the twice weekly updates will probably no longer happen and there will more likely be a post about important and interesting matters every so often. I hope those that have been following, do check back to see what has been happening. Of course, I will link in from my Facebook page and will probably think of this as more of an extension of that media. everything I have written up to now will still be here and I hope that people can use that for their own purposes. Many have said how helpful my GRS part was and because it was written as it happened, it is about as accurate as it gets. 

The two weeks since we got back from the Lake District have been non-stop. This was actually part of the reason for not updating here, I simply haven't had the time to do it. Here is a brief run-down on what has been going on;

When we arrived back, a letter from the gender recognition panel was on the doorstep. Excitedly I opened it wondering whether it was the news I was waiting for. Sadly it was not but I was informed that the panel were sitting on my case on the 6th July, this Monday coming. I will be informed within 2 weeks of this as to whether I have been successful on the first go. 

I have finally succumbed to the evil that is a smart phone. I decided in the end that the idea of having a fortnight away without even being able to check my emails was scary. When we returned I decided to get one, and after a little research found a deal I liked on the O2 website. Instead of buying it from there, I went into the local shop instead because in the even of an issue, I could just take it back there. I was apprehensive, wondering how they would treat me but when the young man dealing with me asked me if I was Ms. or Mrs., I knew it was going to go well. The phone itself was a steep learning curve and it will NEVER replace my lovely desktop PC but it is very handy when out and about. I just wish there was more 4G in the south west but then we are usually the last to get anything!

I also started my CBT for the mild PTSD I have described previously. To be honest, I have found that as my life has settled down since my surgery, the anxiety issues I was having have gotten much milder. I have a worry diary and there is not as much in there as I was expecting. This could be a result of the full fortnight I have had, no time to worry in all that and I will discuss this on my next appointment on Tuesday.

I started my new voluntary work at the Laurel's properly a week ago. I have done two days there now and it is far more rewarding and satisfying then I ever imagined it would be. I expected it to be a simple case of answering the door and talking to people, but the reality is far more than that. I really hope I am providing something to the people I am talking too and that this is putting something back from what I have received.

This weekend saw the start of a much tougher few days with dad being admitted to hospital. Last Sunday was to be my first day of relaxing since we got back and yet this managed to scupper that. I also had a distressing event with a long term friend and the sad fact is that this friendship is now over. I am still scratching my head as to what went wrong but the fallout from it all did not help.

I had a massive dose of PMT this Monday and my mood was very low. I took Mandy to her day centre in the morning, realised where I was emotionally and then decided I needed to seek help. I have learnt from the past 6 months and knew exactly who to contact and not mess around in misery any more. They were about to go out and they said they would call in a lunchtime. In that time I found someone else messaged me to just chat, I said I was not very talkative and yet still ended up chatting about rubbish for a time. This kind of helped and I was in a better place.

It might seem a little strange but during the worst of my PMT, I found myself with a sudden increased libido. My sexual desires have been rock bottom most of the time since my surgery apart from a couple of moments when I have been unable to do anything about it. Aside from this, I have been trying to use my new clitoris for three months with no success and lots of frustration and tears. This new surge of libido was very strong and I decided to have another go. This time was very successful and it made me feel more complete than I ever have in my life. Even though this was a side of things I could have lost, it still made me feel inadequate and to have it all confirmed working was a fantastic feeling. The orgasm wasn't half bad either!

My friend rang not long after, she had her surgery a couple of months after me and we celebrated my news. We had a good chat about things and with my success came a happier feeling along with the PMT dwindling. I also told another friend later on that my "magic button" worked and she rang me straight away. It's a little bizarre but even now I am surprised at how many have been waiting for news of this success. I guess little of my life is private any more with what I have written here. Oh well...

Tuesday was a trip to Brighton to take someone for their pre-op appointment. It was nice to see Liz Hills and also chat to a couple of the staff. I was able to thank them personally for everything they did for me.

By Wednesday I was starting to flag. Dad was still in hospital and I was getting extremely tired. I described myself to Mandy as emotionally exhausted and felt that a breakdown would be coming soon. The only time I had had to myself since the holiday was during dilation and the strain was starting to tell. Finally though, Dad was discharged and in the evening I took him back home.

Thursday was my day at the Laurel's again and it was so nice to get away from it all. It was not restful, but a way of being free of all the hassle back at home. When I saw dad on Friday, I told him my situation and that I would not be available until after the weekend unless it was an absolute emergency. He did understand and so far he is managing. 

Which brings us to today. It's the 4th of July and that means it is a special day for me. It's nothing to do with Independence day but actually an anniversary of me changing my name. Some seem to not see it as anything special but for me it was a massive moment in my life. 

To achieve this required me to solve probably that hardest of all problems a trans person might face and that is transition in a workplace. At times I felt it would not be possible to do this where I was working, a sawmills of all place. However on July 2nd 2012, I stood up in front of 25 very masculine men who worked there and informed them that I would be leaving after the next day and returning the following Monday as Lucy. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life but set me on my path of living full time as a woman.

At 18.30, I took my Deed Poll to Bristol where my good friend Al witnessed it. I signed my old name, then my new and it was like stepping over a line. I have heard many try to negate that moment by saying theirs was no big deal but for me it was massive. It was a very happy moment and we went out to celebrate with a meal.

Today there was no such extravagance and I originally said I was doing nothing today because recharging my batteries was far more important. However, nice weather was forecast and I fancied a spot of retail therapy. Mandy and I got into the car and we went to Exeter. We hit all the charity shops, bagged loads of bargains, bought a salad box and went into the gardens to enjoy it. It was a lovely morning, I thoroughly enjoyed it and feel more refreshed already. I've been the real me for 3 years now, but now I really am myself. My transitioning and surgery have done so much for me and I hope for many more happy celebrations of this day.

A fortnight in the Lakes

Our fortnight in the Lakes, as told by photographs. I hope this goes ok, Blogger can be very tricky when it comes to formatting and images.

A gentle walk around Whitehaven, it was quite chilly and windy for June.

The harbour mouth at Whitehaven.

A walk to our nearby lake, Bassenthwaite.

From above Bassenthwaite village (the lake is in the distance)

Ennerdale Lake, a gentle and flat looking walk, that was anything but in reality!

Ennerdale from the North end.

Ennerdale from the South end.

The only way for Mandy to see Penrith castle was down into the moat and back up again. She was not keen...

Penrith Castle.

Derwent water from part way up Skiddaw, the 4th (it may be 3rd but there is debate about this) highest mountain in England.

Across to Scotland from Skiddaw.

931 metres from sea level!

Or over 3000 feet above sea level.

A lovely sunny day in Windemere.

More sunny smiles.

Skiddaw (that we climbed) shrouded in cloud.

Heck, I gotta go paddling at least once!

Nearly trod on this toad whilst walking one day.

The river Derwent, and Susan.

The same river, and Me!

The three of us in Carlisle.

Derwent water, a little ways from Keswick.

Holiday reflections

I was intending to do a write up of the holiday using photo's to describe it. Typically, our mobile broadband we our using has decided to go a bit flaky on this second week, probably due to the poorer weather and it is very on/off. The thought of trying to upload 40mb of photo's is not even thinkable. I will have to wait until we get back and on to our more stable wired broadband. Instead, perhaps some more thoughts on this holiday.

The two weeks is (almost) over and on reflection, this has been a very satisfying holiday for myself. There are many reason for this, probably the principle one is my feeling of completeness and for once being able to enjoy myself as who I am. The timing has been good, coming 5 months since my surgery and I feel like this has struck a line between my recovery and moving forwards with things.

There's been bad in this holiday too. Primarily we have discovered just how disabled unfriendly the Lakes really are; I have really struggled to find things for Mandy to enjoy and sadly she has ended up stuck in the cottage a few times. I know some areas will always be difficult for disabled people but I feel there could be a great deal more done for them here. The Equality Act 2010 was brought in with the aim of enabling people to have a more equal country to live in, but our experiences of it are that disabled people seem to benefit the least. It's a very useful piece of legislation to throw at companies when it comes to trans discrimination, but for physical improvements to those with mobility problems; it's a different area entirely.

Despite this we have managed a fairly active week for us all. Susan and myself have engaged in four decent walks, although this second week has found us a little more tired possibly due to hay-fever being a problem, although my own is now much better than it used to be. We had a couple of long local field walks, a walk around Ennerdale Lake (8 miles) and a scramble up the mountain of Skiddaw (931 meters at its summit). 

These walks have felt much different now I am post-op. There is now a freedom in the clothes I can wear with no obvious bulge now down below. That bulge had never been a real issue in my transitioning but since its removal, I have explored different styles finding a top and leggings to be much better than a skirt when walking. There is also not having that reminder swinging away when walking, it feels freer and just more comfortable.

There is a downside to it all too, and that is toileting! Gone are the days of having the convenience of the nearest tree and it is a different kettle of fish now. I have documented this new issue in the past and found squatting ended up with a massive risk of wet knickers/leggings. I purchased a female urinary device, the Go-Girl, and this has been used quite a number of times recently. It has been an educational experience, the first few times were very hit and miss and I ended up with wet knickers more than once. By the final walk this week, I pretty much had it nailed and knew exactly how to use it without problems. Urinating in the middle of nowhere though is a much more time consuming experience and I will need to select quieter walks for the future, especially when I am on my own with no one to be on "look out"!

As I said, involving Mandy has been a little more difficult but we had a few trips to the small towns in the Lakes. Last Friday was nice in that we had a trip on the ferries that go around Lake Windermere. Two of the bigger vessels are well equipped for wheelchairs and we spent over three hours going around the lake taking in the scenery, a good way for Mandy to do this.

Of course as usual, I have consumed far too many calories this holiday. Although the walks have burnt up some of these alongside several runs, I know that my weight has increased because some of my skirts now no longer fit again. When we get back, I need to get cracking and try to get back to my pre-op weight. I did it before, so I know I can do it again!

Attending to myself has also been a new addition to this holiday. Of course there is the dilation, which I have managed quite well and not skipped a single session. There has been one issue that took me by surprise. I noticed after a week or so, I was experiencing some vaginal soreness. It took me a time to get to the bottom of this but in the end I suspected it was the soap I was using. On the advice of Brighton, I used aqueous cream for a time whilst using Simple soap for my bodily washing. Eventually I moved to using the same soap for washing my new vagina. When we packed for the holiday I found a bar of Dove soap, that I used to use pre-op so I packed that for a change. This was the cause of the irritation and a tub of aqueous cream made things much more comfortable, perhaps taking 12 hours to calm things down. It was a good reminder that things are still very much new down there ad still need a bit more care than normal.

Tomorrow is our last day here and then Saturday we head back down the M6 and M5 to home. Watch out from Sunday for those photo's.

Lake District memories

We are just about halfway through a fortnight's holiday in the Lake District, along with our good friend Susan. I will detail the holiday in more depth next weekend when we return. In the meantime I have found how interesting it is with regards how many memories being here has provoked, especially during the long walks I have enjoyed with Susan.

This is actually my fourth visit to the Lakes during my life and I have been reflecting on how these visits have been relevant to my life of gender dysphoria and eventual transitioning.

My first visit was during the eighties as part of a school trip. I was a very confused teenager, struggling with my hormones and my gender issues. I knew I had gender dysphoria (although I was not aware of the term); I knew I was a girl, but my body was that of a boy and this meant I was spending most of my capacity in trying to survive portraying the wrong gender. I could not comprehend the other boys, their behavior was baffling to me and this taxed my capabilities. During this trip, there were some extremely unpleasant memories including sharing a dormitory with probably 25 other boys. The bullying that I had endured during school was just the same on this trip.

There were some rays of light in this trip though. First was my appreciation for the beauty of the lakes and the ability to be close to nature with regards where our hostel was located. This led to me forming a rare friendship with three others, two girls and one boy. To be able to interact with girls was a helpful experience, but just to have a friendship was just as pleasing. I remember memories of the four of us walking up the river that cascaded below our hostel and swimming in a deep pool that was located a little way away. As well as that, we climbed Scafell one day and when fog descended, I was stuck at the summit (the Pikes) with one of the girls from my friendship. I remember us being completely free to talk, no inhibitions and being honest with each other. I think at that point I could have told her about my gender issues. I didn't and eventually the fog cleared with the trip soon to end. Sadly the friendship we had formed seemed to be destroyed when returned to the school environment. Those three that wanted to know me during that trip, did not want to be associated with me when back in the school environment. 

The second trip was somewhere about 7-8 years ago when I was deep into my chronic denial of my gender issues. Mandy and myself booked a cottage near Carlisle that was also a coarse fishing complex. Fishing was one of my old life past-times and the holiday was to be a mixed affair with that and some visiting on the Lakes. It was a truly hideous holiday, the complex was just awful, the fishing was rubbish and we were some distance from the lakes. This holiday was a non-event.

3 years ago in 2011, we decided on a return to the Lakes and because we had missed out before by being so far away, we booked a place in Bowness-on-Windemere, right in the heart of the Lakes. I would have said at the time that I was happy with my current situation, I was a kind of working male, but living all my time outside of this as a woman. I had told my friends and family and thoughts of going full time were in the distance somewhere. This holiday was going to be different, I was going to live the whole fortnight as Lucy. Our living situation meant I could not leave as her and had to change in the local motorway services. I left those services as Lucy and stayed that way until we returned two weeks later.

The whole fortnight was a complete eye opener. My treatment by the residents of the Lake District was so completely accepting that it helped me to make the decision to go full time. This was not to say that I had had any serious problems close to home, but to go away to a strange place and be completely accepted as who I am made my decision easy. 

Changing back on returning home was incredibly hard to do and I made the decision the very next day to meet the landlord who we rented our cottage from and explain the situation. This gave me much more freedom to come and go as I pleased. I started a voluntary post a few days after and then it was just my work situation to deal with. That happiness with my situation I had had prior to this holiday quickly became unhappiness. It took me until July 2012 to go full time, in the end out of sheer desperation.

So here we are now, having returned to the Lakes finished with the essentials of my transitioning. There are differences of course, I now have to contend with dilation and still twice a day too. Doing this in a different place and with a different routine makes it a little harder but it has not been too bad. There are also hormones, and I think the last couple of days have been PMT affected. 

But I have that contentment now that comes with being complete and it has helped me relax on this holiday (outside of that PMT!). There is nothing to go back to with regards transitioning and it feels like this has been a very nice conclusion to my recovery period. My life is there beckoning to me on my return.

Hang on though, there's still another week to go! I will update about the fortnight in my next post.

Ahhh!

The title is supposed to reflect a sound you would make when relaxed or satisfied; like laying back after a hard days and going "ahhh". I think I am there now.

There have been some tough moments during my transitioning and I had expectations that post-op would see the troubles over. This blog has clearly shown that it has been a much different experience and the difficulties have surprised me greatly.

I expected a very long physical recovery and yet that never was the case. I was very much up and at it after my return from Brighton with none of the tiredness or pain that others have described. I thought perhaps this was down to my high level of fitness, but a friend who was fitter than me is at this moment having a much different experience. 

I have talked a great deal about the emotional difficulties I have had. For a couple of months, these were incredibly tough going and there were one or two moments where I had to try to fathom out why I had suicidal thoughts. None of it made sense to me for a while, I should have been happy and ready to move on with life but was thinking instead of ending it all. I do not think there was ever any danger of that, but those thoughts entered my mind. Not everyone gets to this point, but it is clear that a few do. It is something that no one wants to admit to easily either. This happiness you expect to have is also expected of you by others.

Why I had these difficulties is something I have pondered very deeply. It was perhaps a combination of lots of things. For a while your life is taken over a little by dilation, after-care and being scrupulously clean. HibiScrub, Kyjelly, dilators and douches take over your life as you learn this new aspect and it can be overwhelming. The future looks bright and free of transitioning, and it can be overwhelming. There is a void in your life where transitioning was, and it can be overwhelming. There is a horrific period with no hormones, just as long a period of waiting for them to work again and then their effects are very overw... (you know what's coming!).

Overwhelming was a word I used a great deal when I was struggling because that was how I was. Mandy would come back from her day centres full of energy and describe her day. I would shrink back from her as she did this because I could not take it all on board.

Over time though, I have managed to cope with this and I was beginning to get to a point where I felt quite contented, the dark thoughts had disappeared and I was starting to look forward to life ahead without the transitioning.Then someone sent me a terrible message on Facebook and it had the effect of triggering me back to the dark thoughts. It took me a little while to get over this one and I had to rethink ways of avoiding getting such messages. 

The last week, perhaps a fortnight, I have started to feel a new feeling in myself. The dark thoughts were a memory and there was a new found sense of contentment with the future. I think last week with my observation day at the Laurel's sealed it all up nicely and made me realise that I can look to my future with some sense of optimism.

I still have a few things to deal with, but then everybody does. I have this internal granulation, it gives me a little pain when dilating but I have the correct silver nitrate sticks in front of me now and an appointment with my GP on Thursday to treat it. Dilation itself is actually a nice part of my life, it is an important part of my relaxation and if I miss one, I miss it literally. I also have the issue of the mild PTSD but my CBT starts for that in a few weeks. I can then adapt my strategies and hopefully put that behind me.

I am finding myself truly now. It needed the surgery to complete this discovery, and then a little bit more work to get used to it all. For those that say GRS is the icing on the cake, pah! It was a heap more than that and the key for me to be able to go about my life content in the gender I have always know I have been.