Surgery recollections

Three days ago I had my gender reassignment surgery. I said at some point I would be back to write about although wasn't sure when I would be able to do so or want to. My recovery has been amazing and I surprise even myself with how well I have done. The big day is still very clear in my mind and I am very keen to write about it.

I slept surprisingly well the night before, getting probably 5 hours. I got in a last minute black coffee before I was nil by mouth and then it was wait out the time to surgery. The anaesthetist saw me quite early and went through my medical history. He was happy with my health and left. Mr. Thomas and Liz Hills arrived just before 8.00 and I signed the consent form. Very little was discussed, I had no questions and that was the formalities over with. At no point was I actually asked if I was sure that I wanted this surgery; it didn't worry me but did surprise me.

9.00 came and in came Vicky who was going to be looking after me the whole day. Her first job was to administer a phosphate enema which would clear out the bowel and remove the need for toileting during the bed rest phase. She applied it gently and told me to hold it in for as long as possible stating 5-10 minutes was good but some manage 30. I did just over 15 and decided I needed to go. I sat on the toilet and expelled a good quantity and thought I was done. Suddenly though, the world starts spinning and I nearly pass out. Sweat is pouring off of me and I was really close to pulling the emergency cord in the bathroom. I sat there for another 10 minutes emptying out and slowly losing the symptoms of my shock. I emerged from the bathroom and Vicky had reappeared. She looked at me and realised straight away that things were not good. 

I improved quickly though and then I had to shower with a special sponge to disinfect my body. A gown was put on, I got on my bed and waited to be wheeled down to theatre. Vicky arrived just after 10.00 with someone from theatre, my name and date-of-birth were checked and then I was wheeled out of the room and off down the corridor towards lesser frequented parts of the hospital. I took in every moment of this journey and I remember smiling all the way. We get to theatre and I am greeted inside by the anaesthetist. He points to my signature on the consent form and asks if this was me? I agree and he starts preparing whatever cocktail he is going to use to knock me out. The cannula is placed in the back of my hand and he starts injecting away. The process is surprisingly slow and I could feel the anaesthetic creeping up my arm. When it got to my shoulder, I then felt it's effects and gently drifted off, a smile firmly fixed on my face.

I wake a little while later, somewhat disorientated but eventually I realise where I am. I was in little pain but could feel a dull ache down below and well aware of all the dressing between my legs. Vicky was there with the recovery nurse and I asked how it went. It had gone well and I had got about 5 inches of depth. Such measurements were unimportant, just hearing it had gone well was enough. To be finally rid of that unwanted genitalia was enough for me, depth and outcome were for later.

I was soon wheeled back to my room with the same smile on my face but I felt very serene. My anxiety had completely gone and it was finally over. I get to my room, drinks are placed in front of me and I am told to get as much into me as I can (they took 6 litres out of my catheter bag by next morning!). I am also given some exercises to do to reduce the risk of clots in the leg (DVT's). This was to supplement the special boots I was wearing that were inflating and deflating to massage my legs.

I was then left and I spent a good 15 minutes crying.The realisation that I had finally got what I needed, a body congruent with my mind, was overwhelming. I just stared out of the window, tears streaming down my face and I felt so good afterwards. All of the anxiety gone and the pain of the depression seemed much lessened.

2 hours post-op

The rest of the day passed slowly and mid afternoon Mandy arrived with my friend Susan who was looking after her while I was recovering. This gave us an opportunity for a post-op photo and nothing shows the happiness more than these photos. I have seen others photos in the past and the peacefulness in them is evident. To see it in my own face was very satisfying.

The rest of the day went along smoothly, the nurses were very happy with my observations and how much I was drinking. I was now on a clear fluid diet so by the evening, I was finally greeted by the Brighton consomme. Everyone says how awful the stuff is, but I found it ok.

My pain was ok, although it was building a little in the evening. Vicky gave me some morphine but to be honest, it did very little for me. It was no massive issue as my pain was very low anyway.

The night was very difficult however. I was getting backache from lying on my back and the night nurse, Tracey was very kind and caring. She worked very hard that night and got me through it in the end. We did try some more morphine in the early hours and this made me drowsy enough to get a couple hours sleep. I also had a couple of injections; antibiotics and something else designed to help the op site stop oozing.

Morning came and even with the rough night, I felt pretty good. The curtains were drawn back and I looked at a new day dawning. Whilst I do not see this as any kind of rebirth, it is however a new dawn in my life and it feels pretty amazing at the moment.

I'll be back soon with more.

Almost there...

It's a little hard to believe but I am actually here sat in my room at the Nuffield hospital in Brighton. The drive up was trouble free and for once I was driven by someone. This was a much appreciated luxury and added to my experience.

I haven't quite been admitted just yet and am just waiting for a nurse to complete that formality. I have had my meal order taken for this evening although being low residue, it is likely to be a little bland.

The clinic manager, Liz Hills, has already been in, welcomed me and talked through a few things as well as giving me a big hug. After all the problems there have been, this meant a great deal to me and I am actually crying remembering it. She let me have my "pack" for discharge and I can see my two dilators and a douche in amongst several other items. It has been very reassuring and the anxiety that has been chronic for months is nearly gone. She commented on how calm I seemed, and yes I am indeed very calm. The next week is full of adventure and even though some of it may not seem pleasant on paper, it will still be part of the experience for me. I intend to fully enjoy it! The reality is that tomorrow, I will wake up after surgery with a vagina! It will be a full 5 days before I can even see it but it so exciting to know that this is going to happen. I feel in a great place at the moment.

I would love to be able to write about it all day by day. It would not just serve as a fantastic resource for any one else intending to have this surgery but also be a good reminder to myself. But I must also be realistic and there is a good chance that I will not be physically capable of writing about it. There is also a good chance that even if I am physically able, I may not want to. I am going to go through a mix of emotions, probably the most powerful ones of my life and I may not want to be writing at this time. 

For once, this is all about me. I talked about being kinder to myself and this is one time where I am going to do what I want to do. If I feel able to write and want to, I will, and if I do not, then I will lie back, relax and take it easy.

So I will be back soon, or not so soon but I do promise to write at some stage in the near future. Rest assured I will detail this as best I can, when I can and I hope you will join me when this happens.

Lucy x

A final hormone update - 6 weeks

Please also see:

• The reason for stopping hormones
• Stopping hormones - Week 1
• Stopping hormones - Week 2
• Stopping hormones - Week 3
• Stopping hormones - Week 4

I decided not to do a 5 week update simply on the basis that weeks 3 and 4 were very similar. It seemed a much better idea to wait until near the end and just do a final write up and give my thoughts on it all. Of course, it needs to be remembered that I have to wait another three weeks post-op before I can resume on the oestrogen but in a few days time I will no longer have any testosterone in my system. I will of course update when I can with any post-op updates that I manage.

And I can honestly say to the testosterone that it will be FUCKING GOOD RIDDANCE! I do not say this lightly and as I will explain in detail, it has become increasingly difficult to keep going recently. 

I have detailed the physical symptoms over the weeks and of course the acne continues. It has settled down more recently though, the new spots are now down to 1 or 2 a day instead 5 or more. They are still extremely painful and have a tendency to bleed with the slightest aggravation. My face feels greasy all the time and this is the same with my hair. I do feel hopeful, given that it is slowing down now, that post-op it will improve very quickly; perhaps within a few days.

The hot flushes have all but disappeared. I think my body has become accustomed to it's new hormone and thinks it's back where it should be. I wonder just how this is going to affect me post-op? When you cease the oestrogen, it takes about 5-6 days for the hormone to disappear from the bloodstream. When the testicles are removed, it will take about 15 hours. This means I will have zero hormones in a very short space of time and I wonder how my body will take this sudden cut-off? I will soon find out.

My body hair has now started to grow at a startling rate. My facial hair is even more wild, and I am struggling to epilate it now. I will have to shave around my surgery anyway but the growth rate means there is now just so much to pluck out.

The erections are constant at night and are often disrupting my sleep patterns. I have since learned that they may not be as beneficial to post-op dilation as I was originally told. I will explain at the end of this post.

Emotionally is where the fun has really begun. I have talked about the genital dysphoria and my hatred of what I have now is still as intense. Some cisgender males may cringe at the thought of being cut about in the manner I am going to be, but honestly, it will be a blessed relief.

I honestly thought that with the increased T, I would be much stronger emotionally and it has been completely the opposite. Last weekend saw me at one of my wobbliest times ever. I was all over the place with anxiety, crying, outburst and just about everything else you could think of. I also had issues of a physical nature combined with this that just made the anxiety even worse. It got so bad at the weekend, that I even ended up trying to find someone else who had been through this. It seems that I was a bit alone in this instance. Many have experienced the 6 weeks when on an anti-androgen (T blocker) but without, I could find no one. I got through the weekend and it because my anxiety has eased off through the week, I have found that the emotions have not been quite so wild.

I had my pre-op telephone call from Liz Hills as well on Wednesday and she asked me whether I had stopped the hormones. I said I had and that it had been quite hideous. She asked a little more and I explained about the advice I had been given from The Laurel's regarding not having a temporary anti-androgen. She was not at all happy and said that the post-op benefits of the erections were negligible and that there was no need for me to have endured what I have. She even went so far as to ask who had given me this advice and that after our call, she was going to contact them and make sure this didn't happen again. I said it was too late for me, but that I had been writing about it and it was there for future people to see and make their own choices. 

So, what would I do with hindsight and retrospect?

If we even consider that the erections had a major impact on my post-op success, I would without hesitation opt for that anti-androgen. This has been an extremely difficult 6 weeks and I would never want to go through this again. It has been emotionally difficult and physically painful. Anyone who is about to go through the same, think very long and hard. It is your decision and I can't make it for you but please consider what I have written.

Being kind to ourselves

Everyone seems to be penning their ambitions, resolutions and aims for 2015. Regulars to this blog will understand however that 2015 is probably going to be the most unusual start to any year of my life, ever! There are two very important aims that I do have for this year though and they both tie in with each other.

My main goal for 2015 is to have my GRS. Obviously, there is not much past my surgery (next Tuesday, 13th) that I can actually envisage just yet. These last couple of weeks have also seen a quite high level of anxiety because I am constantly feeling all the past errors that have derailed my getting to GRS. This has led to an almost obsessive worrying about whether it is going to happen or not. I can report that I had my pre-op phone call on Wednesday, my bloods and MRSA swabs have checked out and it is looking very good. In fact for the first time since my pre-op in July, I actually feel hopeful and excited that it is actually going to happen. There is still some anxiety and I truly don't expect to be over that until I wake up next Tuesday after the surgery and am told it has been done.

I have to get beyond my recovery before I can think about what I am going to do with the rest of the year. I am under no illusions whatsoever that my recovery could go any way. Everyone is completely different in this respect and age certainly has little to do with it. However a healthy weight and fitness do help as well as positive attitude and I have all those in abundance. It is a case though of whatever it takes and that can be 2,3, 6 or even many more months, it does not matter.

My other aim for 2015 is actually very simple, but harder to put into practice. Reading around a few others blogs and writing, it would seem I have a common issue with quite a few like minded souls to myself and this led me to think that perhaps I could use my GRS as a marker to make a major change to my life.

I have realised that over time I have become very hard on myself. I think this is something that can happen to any transitioning person. We get so caught up in the process of having to conform to a pattern of transitioning which includes invasive scrutiny that we forget that we have lives to live. There is all the having to deal with society, sometimes dealing with stigma of being trans, being misgendered and having to speak and act in mannerisms that do not necessarily come as naturally as they would to a cisgender person. Of course there is also the fact that as a community, we have to support each other and this means that the stronger of us often put ourselves out for those that find it harder. This is not meant to sound like a whinge but it does take its toll after a time.

In simple terms, I feel I need to be kinder to myself and this is something I have vowed to change over the next year. I am not going to suddenly put my fingers up to the gender clinic or stop supporting other people post-op but I am going to start thinking much more about how I treat myself in the scheme of things. 

My first act of kindness to myself is actually my GRS. It is going to put me in a very vulnerable place as I will be needing to ask for help but I need this to happen for me to be happy with my body in the future. Just for once, I have to shut down my supportive nature, not be there for everyone else and be good to me for a change. This will not be difficult, I will be physically compromised anyway and it is absolutely vital that I consider myself emotionally. Post-op it can be quite a roller coaster in the mind and many have mentioned this can surprise you more than the physical issues.

Once I have recovered, this will be when the real effort starts. It would be too easy to slip back into old routines and stop thinking of myself but I am going to try much harder to give myself something back. There are a few things I have decided to look into and I will probably write about them in more detail as I explore them. Some of the ideas and plans I have are probably well outside of who people think I am, but for me, I am just embracing ideas that my male side rejected. Part of this has come about from a Facebook group I have become a part of recently and their ideas inspire me. It is more about positivity and happiness than about the negative things in life. 

It will involve making more time for myself for start. I spend too much time volunteering and supporting and I can't remember the last time I spent 10 minutes relaxing. I am not counting the time on the PS3/PS4 or watching TV, I mean true me time. In fact the only me time I ever get are my 8 miles runs in the morning but that is not relaxation. I have seriously thought through my voluntary commitments and they will probably stay at what they were pre-op. What I must be careful of is not to take on any more than I already do.

Of course, this does not mean I am going to neglect my partner Mandy. I am her formal carer and apart from my recovery, this will not change. By changing my habits though, I think I can be an even better carer than I already am. I would hope that she too could become involved in what I am going to try to do because I feel she is someone who could be kinder to herself (and that's not a criticism when you read this Mandy!).

It also does not mean that I am withdrawing support from anyone I know if they are in difficulty. I will always have that nature and to remove it would simply be denying who I am. What it probably does mean is that I may be making the support a two way thing and some who I have listened to a great deal recently, may find themselves having to listen to me. I rarely ask for support, but that doesn't mean I don't need it. Again, this is perhaps a part of my old life, I was never able to ask for help.

Apart from making more time for myself, I have also got to be easier on myself. I have had to become very driven since entering the gender clinic two years ago and recently it has become obsessive. They have messed me about in just about every way possible which has required me to don armour and fight back. It has been time consuming and draining emotionally. Soon, I will no longer have to worry about playing their tunes and jumping their hoops. I should not forget about other aspect of my life that have also required me to be very focussed. They include sorting our housing and benefits, debts, divorce as well as other issues. These problems are now recently resolved and for once in my life I may be in a position to take some time out and enjoy what we have.

So even though my transitioning physically is nearly over, emotionally 2015 looks like a massive year of change. It's going to be a great year and the pain of 2014 can fade with the healing this will bring.

The power and positivity of blogging

I have been writing about my journey on and off for over four years now. Much of it is not available as originally I opted for a full blown website with a domain name and everything else that goes with it. Because I drew this website with an ancient copy of Frontpage, it means that I still have all the pages stored on my hard drive and backed up in several places. I then moved to Blogger in the spring of 2013 because I had lost my job and could no longer afford the cost of the web hosting. It's been a little on and off since then because there have been some seriously dark times in amongst all of that. Dark times do not make for pleasant writing and I was always loathe to inflict my depression onto unsuspecting viewers.

My most recent spate of entries has been very much about me and my upcoming GRS. It has been very self-indulgent but it has been with the intention that anyone else about to embark on GRS would be able to read it and understand what they are about to encounter. Without correct information, it could be a very scary time for anyone and for myself, being informed has made me very relaxed about the whole experience. My concern is that there is a lot of personal information out there that has been written in retrospect and the facts have become exaggerated with the passing of time. I have read many examples where the whole experience has been one of pain and despair but when talking to people, in reality, it has been one of the most special and treasured times of their lives. My recent writing has been with the intention of trying to make this a realistic account of the whole process as it happens.

This then reminds about how writing can be so very therapeutic. The last few days have been incredibly difficult because of the situation with having to stop taking my hormones. This has been detailed in previous writings, but to be brief, my testosterone levels have returned to that of a cisgender male and the side effects of this have been very difficult to bear. The past weekend was pretty hard on me and to try to get through it, I found writing was a comfortable distraction. I wrote about my coming out, nearly 5 years ago, to my partner Mandy. Many times I had to stop and blink through the tears, such was the power of what I was writing and the effect it was having on me. When I'd finished, I felt a little better and more able to face the day. The words I wrote let me give in to my emotions, cry them out and then start with a fresh mind. 

I read back what I had written and felt the quality of the writing was below my usual standard. However, this is more along the lines of how blogging should work although I am not advocating poor standards of literacy because a reasonable level of spelling, grammar and punctuation is needed to be able to read it accurately. I read a great many blogs and some are finely honed with others just written from the heart. Those heartfelt spewing's with their occasional mistakes are the ones that I connect to the most. When I read a news story, I want perfection and when I read a blog, I want reality; warts and all. So what I wrote about my coming out was literally straight from my memory with little editing or research. Even facts may be slightly inaccurate and I have my files from my website of old to check back if I needed to, but I didn't because I didn't need accuracy. I just needed to relive some old memories to bolster me in a positive way and writing is about as powerful as you can get for reliving the past.

There was an even more positive effect that I gained from what I wrote. I shared it to my Facebook page and my usual rules for that are when it is something I feel could be of benefit to someone. I do not spam every post, people are more inclined to not read if you keep pushing it at them. This post was important though and showed what can be achieved if you face your fears as well as being a tribute to what Mandy has done for me. Not only did I share it there, I also shared it to a group I belong to. This group has been very helpful recently because it is all about positivity and I was encouraged to share this by one of the groups admins. Mandy also shared it to a couple of groups she is in and the result was quite staggering. She encountered a massive positive reaction from her group as well it evoking a response from someone to ask a serious and important as myself getting quite a few comments on my timeline. It

But it goes further than that when I look at the statistics for this blog. Numbers aren't everything but the statistics for that day have blown the graphs to pieces. That post has had more views in that single day than any other post has had in the time I have been on Blogger. My previous top post was Becoming Forty with 116 views for all time. The reason that this is top post is because I stopped writing for a year due to the effects of the black dog. This meant this post sat at the top of the blog and was the first one anyone usually encountered hence the reason it has a much higher view count than any others. The post about coming out, that attracted 147 views in the first 24 hours. To know that so many have bothered to come and read what I had written humbles and inspires me at the same time. 

I suppose soon I will need to think about where I will take my blogging in the future. I will be continuing to write about my upcoming GRS until next Tuesday, and then resume sometime when I am able afterwards by continuing to write about the post-op recovery. Although transitioning is never really over, this will pretty much the majority of it nearly done and I will need something to work on afterwards. My writing is very much something I would like to take on as a vocation and it sits very nicely alongside my role of caring for Mandy. Whatever happens, it feels exciting and positive and I know my writing has helped me get to this point.

5 Years in the making

I am about to embark on the final piece of the medical side of my transitioning and it is fitting that I am close to the 5 year anniversary of my coming out to my partner Mandy. This was of course the point at which all my transitioning started and little did I know then, that I would actually end up getting what I have always wanted, a body that matches my gender. 

My gender dysphoria has been with me since a very young age, possibly as young as 3 or 4. Years of fear and denial forced me to suppress the desire to be the woman I was but towards the end of the "noughtie's" my female side was starting to burst out of the seams, so to speak. Somewhere in 2009 I had managed to snatch a brief moment to be Lucy (she still didn't have a name then), and I was struck with the thought that I wanted to take this further than the bedroom and venture out into the real world as her. I had often had this thought, but the idea was so terrifying, I always buried it deep to protect myself. I do not know what changed this day but I think that suddenly I was tired of all the deceit and secretiveness. Why was I doing this and was it wrong of me to do so?

I spent many months thinking about it all, churned it all over and eventually all those childhood memories of knowing I was not a boy came to the surface. I was more than aware of people that had changed gender and felt that perhaps I may be one of those people. The Internet was obviously my next port of call and at least I knew what I was looking for in amongst all the porn and fetish that pops up when you typed in anything with trans in the term (this has improved over time and is not so bad now). I found groups, message boards and resources galore. There was a massive community, even more divided than it is now, but there were people writing about their trans lives. I read a great many and although none really stood out individually for me, one particular experience really did stir me and that was the first shopping trip as their female identity. 

Thoughts of hormones and vaginas were still a way off, but walking down a high street dressed as a woman was suddenly a powerful motivation in my mind. It became a mini-obsession of sorts but then transitioning can also become this way so it was simply preparing me for what was to come! I plotted and schemed and came up with all sorts of ideas about how I could get this shopping trip of my dreams. There was the option of meeting others in my area and asking for help, but I was never the sort to make friends easily as a man and asking for help was also not my style. Another option was to use a dressing service and this was nearly a choice as it seemed a real possibility. I found one in London that would provide clothes, make-up and then go out with you. £500 was being asked for and I seriously considered it. There was a problem though, I had to remove £500 from our income and get to London and back without my partner, Mandy, discovering.

I had realised that my secret dressing had to come to an end for me to achieve this trip. The idea of blowing half a grand and still being secretive about it all was unthinkable. The time had come to tell Mandy all about myself and this was not something I was going to undertake lightly. At the time we had been together 8 years and I had to accept the possibility that our time together may have to end. Our relationship was however an immensely close one and I suspected that she would stand by me regardless but I still had to prepare myself to go it alone. We reached the end of 2009 and I decided that by the end of 2010 I would have that shopping trip and see where I wanted to go with it after that. This meant I would have to pluck up the courage and "out" myself to Mandy.

It did not take too long, I had kept this secret for too many years from anyone and it was getting more and more difficult to contain it. Looking back, I was clearly exhibiting gender dysphoria but such words were unknown to me at the time. I remember towards the end of January, when virtually every day had seen me churning this all over, I decided to tell her. I did not plan the event, it just happened. We were travelling to Taunton one evening to do our shopping and I spent half the trip in complete silence with the same old thoughts in my mind. I do not think there was nay prompting from Mandy, I just told her at some point in the journey. I can remember the exact point on the road where I opened my mouth and started telling her that all those occasions when I had cross dressed for fetish reasons, it was actually much more than that and that I felt I was (at the time) a transvestite. I explained that I no longer wanted to dress for sexual reasons because I felt that there was more to it than that. I also mentioned that I wanted to meet some others and look to go out in public as Lucy (who was still nameless). I also said that I had tired of the secrets and wanted her to be involved in everything that she wanted to be so there would be no more. She didn't say too much, but said ok to everything and was happy with things. I assured her that she could talk to me about anything and I would be telling her the truth from now on.

The next few weeks were not easy or difficult. We talked a great deal and there were some tears from her. She was scared, not for herself but how people would perceive me. We both firmly believed at this time I was just looking to express my feminine side and perhaps move through life being able to be genderfluid. Of course, it did not take long to realise that it was much more than a bit of expression. Once we had talked for a few weeks, we both realised that I had wanted to be a woman for most of my life and we were embarking on the start of my transitioning. GRS was still not in our thoughts, but going full-time and hormones were starting to crop up in our discussion.

For the next few months, we worked on my identity. I chose my name, but that was about all I did on my own, everything else we did together. I had final say in my clothes, and we also had a few arguments about that, but it was with her help that I built up my wardrobe. Actually, we had to buy one of those as well; suddenly clothes were things to be cherished and not thrown in a drawer! A series of wigs were bought, and it was third time lucky, this was the one really suited me. We also went to some support groups and found they were a very mixed affair. One was good and one had the potential to break our relationship and we didn't persist at that one for too long.

We also had a holiday in June of this year (2010) and this was to be a completely male holiday for me. I felt I could handle this, it had been booked way before I had come out and it didn't strike me as the sort of place to be out at all as Lucy. What didn't help this situation was the pair of us visiting a dressing service a week before for make-up and photo's for a whole day. This day made me realise what I was capable of and being treated as a woman by a complete stranger had an inspiring effect on me. I then had to pack Lucy away for a whole fortnight, after busting her right out, and I struggled. A few days before the end of the holiday, I ended up having a breakdown.

Mandy took charge and we went into the town we were near and bought some make-up. I also had some clothes I had bought during our holiday and for a short time I could feel comfortable. We had to draw all the curtains in our caravan so no one could see and we were also in the middle of a heatwave so the sweat became a massive factor. But for a short time I felt a little less distressed. So we talked and it became clear that going full time at some point was a definite. I was finding it more and more difficult to play the part of a man and being a woman was what made me happy and comfortable. 

We made a date soon after for our shopping trip, and we did it. We booked a room at a hotel in Bristol and on July 24th 2010, I went out in daylight and in public for the first time as Lucy. The feeling was incredible, it was so liberating and I felt right in myself. I attracted a fair few looks and sniggers, but within an hour I was so happy in myself, I didn't care. 

A photo from the dressing service I mentioned.

And here we are in 2015, with my GRS just a week away and I look back at this and realise how strong my dysphoria was way back then, even though I didn't even know the word. I also appreciate just what Mandy has done for me in all this time and she needs recognition as the rock by my side. I could have done this without her, and I was prepared to but it's been much more satisfying doing it as a couple. The last week has been difficult with my hormones and emotions, and this week promises to be even worse so she has had to put up with a great deal recently. Thank you Mandy and here's to a great future together :) x

2014 positively!

I have no hesitations in stating that 2014 was a tough year and possibly one of the most difficult in my life. I think back to other difficult years and they were usually marked that way due to one or two problems. 2014 seemed to have problem after problem and it got to a point when I wished the year was over. 

However, it did end well and all the problems that had stacked up did seem to have a happy outcome. I'd like to try to review everything that was difficult and see what I gained from it in a positive way.
 

Depression

Positivity from depression? Yes, I do believe that it is possible to take something from this. I experienced varying forms of the black dog throughout the year due to incompetence at the Laurel's gender clinic in the first part and then due to a lack of funding for my GRS in the second part. The second part was by far the worse and a lack of communication made it spiral to darker and darker depths and it could have been avoided by people keeping me in the loop.

What I do gain is an understanding of depression. Whilst for a few years I have spoken to many that have had this problem, I never really knew how damaging it can be. I am now in a much better position to speak to those people and be more empathic to them. I also understand the warning signs of depression starting and can help myself better were it to happen again.

Anxiety

Depressions ugly sister also visited whilst I had the depression and to be honest this was even harder to deal with. I was constantly worried about missing phone calls with news of anything as well as this fear of having been forgotten by the system. It was more physical than the depression, leading to headaches, shaking and tendency to outbursts of emotion.

It is much more difficult to take anything positive from the anxiety as I felt it was a much more destructive problem then the depression. It has certainly left scars and they will be with me for some time. About all I can take is the same as depression, an understanding of it and ability to recognise it.

The housing situation

Way back in January, we had already embarked on a battle with the local council. Our housing was clearly inappropriate given my partners disabilities but they were insistent that we could cope. In addition they refused to accept my protected characteristic and the realities of what we would face when I had my surgery. We fought them for 7 months with letter after letter and they made so many errors it was unreal. We had a social worker and housing advocate helping us but to no avail. Eventually we got to the point of involving the Local Government Ombudsman, they backtracked and we won. We were awarded the top banding for housing although it took a little time to find a suitable flat for us. This was perhaps the most positive outcome of the year and we are fantastically happy with our new home.

In March we also had the spectre of homelessness. This was very frightening indeed and the local council were very un-supportive in all of it which included giving us wrong information on what to do if this became a reality. Again, they refused to recognise my protected characteristic and we would had to have fallen back on Mandy's disability were it to have happened. Luckily, Shelter helped us with the right information and this helped enormously. I also remember having a speech therapy appointment on the day we found out about this and the memory of the kindness of my therapist will remain with me for some time. There were more tears than any practical therapy but it reminded me how many supportive people there are out there.

Divorce

I'll keep this brief and wont mention any major details because that would be unfair to the other side. I received my final divorce papers on the 4th December, ironically 15 years to the day from my wedding. This was another fantastic development for me and it means I can now apply for a gender recognition certificate in the new year.

GRS

Ok, it didn't happen as planned but I did get my date which was a blessed relief.

Work

Sadly, I resigned from one voluntary position due to difficulties and then the other post became redundant. Completely by accident, I landed another role as a case worker helping disabled people fight for their rights. I have only just scratched the surface of this role prior to my surgery but it looks like a very exciting and challenging role.

Losing weight

This took sheer determination but I succeeded. I realised when I started on the road for my GRS, that I would need to lose weight. I was at a BMI of nearly 35 and this was clearly unsuitable for anaesthetic. Mandy and myself took a serious look at our diet and without being too harsh, we made significant changes whilst not needing to starve ourselves. I eventually got to a suitable weight for my GRS but decided to keep going and ended up with a final BMI of 24.5. At this point Mandy felt my face was looking gaunt so we decided that was the point to stop. Christmas has seen a little go back on, and I fully realise that my post-op recovery will see some more go back on but I am at least starting in a good place.

Having achieved this, I have found that it has been a fantastic liberation.I now have much more choice when it comes to clothes and my body shape matches my female gender much better. Whilst confidence was never a massive issue, the boost I have gained has been phenomenal.

Making friends 

I found I struggling to deal with my issues with the gender clinic in May, and decided I needed some support. I plucked up some courage and went to my first ever pride event in Exeter. This led me to make some new contacts and it also enabled me to deal with the issues I had. I believe that if I had not made this step, I would still be waiting for a date for my GRS now. 

In amongst this, I made a very good friend. We shared some difficulties on our way to GRS and I think we helped each other through it. She had hers recently and this has been a very good learning experience for me. I have kept her company over the last few weeks and it will be good for the same in return in a few weeks. Were it not for the difficulties I faced, I would never have made this friend. 

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2014 certainly seemed very dark at times. When I look back at it though, I realise just how much I did gain (and Mandy too). So much has clicked into place at the end of it, and now there is really just one more piece of the jigsaw and that is in less than two weeks. I'll finish with a few favourite photo's of the year.