Monday, 23 March 2015
Growing stronger
**** Remember: Everyone's recovery from GRS will be different. Do not attempt anything I describe until you feel absolutely sure you are ready ****
I have talked a great deal about my emotional difficulties following GRS and they continue to be something I am dealing with all the time. This is in some way linked in with my physical recovery because now that I am physically more capable, it is having an effect on improving my mental health.
This week in particular have found me doing some gardening. Of course there are die-hards that might have a sharp intake of breath at this given that I am just over 9 weeks from surgery. These will be the same people that advised me to lay in bed for the fortnight, and there was no chance of that ever happening.
No, I listened to my body and it said I was ok to do this. I looked at the weather forecast. It has been fairly good in this part of the UK this week and my roughly dug over garden was starting to sprout lots of weeds. It is only small garden, about 8 x 4 metres and the plan was to plant some fruit bushes in most of it and turf the rest.
I started by visiting a DIY centre on Monday after a coffee in town and found all their bare root fruit bushes were half price. I grabbed what I thought would get me started, a mixture of raspberry, tayberry, gooseberry and blackcurrant. I got them home, unwrapped them and soaked them in buckets of water overnight.
Tuesday came and here would be the moment of truth, could I wield a spade at this time? It turned out that it was no issue at all and the soil was really easy to dig over. I planted bushes as I went and was particularly careful to take lots of breaks, perhaps doing no more than 45 minutes at a time. I also did not push myself to finish the whole job and found myself at it Wednesday and Thursday. I needed to concrete in a washing line and decided that this was too heavy in it's nature and enlisted the help of my friend Susan yesterday for this task. The garden is still not finished and I am in no rush.
The benefits of getting outside and doing something have been far reaching. I find my mood much more improved and positive. Just knowing that I am moving towards getting the final piece of our new flat finished is great news. I also feel benefits from getting some fresh air and sunshine. The emotional gremlins that have plagued me for the last two months are still there but seem easier to deal with.
The next step in my rehabilitation is to resume my running. Again, this is where others seem to know better than myself. A recent conversation led to me being "bollocked" for walking from a car park to a venue in Exeter, a distance of perhaps 600 metres. Given that the day before I had walked over 4 miles, this level of concern for my health can get a little tiring. I know, I have done this with others and only because I am concerned for their safety. But sometimes, some of the advice I get is just absurd.
Tomorrow, I travel to Brighton for my post-op check. I will ask there when I can resume running and go by what I am told. I am almost certain I will be told to listen to my body and if this is the case, I will probably go for a short experimental run the very next day. I feel ready physically but my only concern is the pounding action running has on the body and potentially my new vagina and this is something will will enquire about.
Once I can get running, this will add in an added element of therapy for myself. I really think that this is something I have seriously missed out on the last few months, that 90 minutes of being able to run my thoughts through my mind.
So fingers crossed, in the next few days I will be getting properly back on the road to physical normality.
I'll be back on Wednesday with an update on my post-op check.
Wednesday, 18 March 2015
Trying to unpick my emotional issues
It's official now, I can no longer lay as much blame hormone levels on my recent emotional difficulties as I would like. I received my results on Monday and they are sat at a low but within range level. I see my GP tomorrow and will attempt to persuade her to increase my dose but she is well entitled to leave things as they are. I still do not feel my levels are quite right for me and there is a large scope for a safe increase. I hope she can realise that I am not just thirsting for more oestrogen as some seem to want to. I feel low in mood and virtually none of the feminising effects from before surgery have returned.
So, I can no longer attribute the majority of my issues on the hormones and need to examine closer the reasons as to why I feel so low at the moment. I am generally in a better place than I was. I wrote about turning a corner a few weeks ago, and still feel that I am on the improve. However, there are times when it comes crashing back down and it takes very little to make this happen. I have been talking to others about this and it is becoming quite apparent that this post-op experience is very common.
When talking to someone very recently, I used the term "fog of war". I first came upon this term from playing many simulation games such as Civilization and they commonly use this term to denote game-play mechanics. It is a military term that was coined a couple hundred years ago and I feel about my whole transitioning as being in a fog of war.
War would be a very good term to equate the whole process. From my entry into the gender clinic, I did battle from day one. My fights varied from serious clinical errors to therapists not following clinic protocols and even outright lies from admin staff. I had to take them all on, writing complaint after complaint. It was fatiguing and battle weary was how I felt when I finally got everything on track for the final part of my treatment, my GRS. Of course even that was delayed as this blog has described. The fog side of things was the fact that everything else in my life was completely obscured because of being so driven with getting through my transitioning. I could not see any of my other issues developing, let alone even think about dealing with them. I had to be so driven and hardened that I now feel I have not given myself time to myself to deal with my emotions.
Of course now although my journey is far from over, the transitioning actually is on a practical level. There are no more major fights that I can anticipate and suddenly this fog of war has now lifted. The view is very clear and at I can see everything ahead of me. Issues that were obscured have now come into sharp focus and at times I am completely overwhelmed.
The weekend just gone brought just one such issue into my mind. Increasingly I am finding the phenomenon of triggering becoming much more common in myself. This is where an event, a phrase or even a single word brings home an unpleasant reality or memory. I was always quite resilient to triggers before my surgery but now they can be quite devastating. I was triggered in one such way on Sunday and I became very distressed because of it. It brought home a serious issue that I had ignored in the months up to my surgery; I had done this to protect myself and get past the finishing line in one piece. I was left in a position where this threatened my emotional health and I needed to deal with it. It has been a problem that refused to go away in the last 12 months despite my best attempts to remedy this.
I am now working to deal with this issue, but it is going to take some time. When trying to deal with it in the past, the core issue was always brushed under the carpet by other parties despite my best attempts to keep this from happening. Now I have managed to make the other parties realise where I am at and hopefully we can work to resolve this issue.
I am also led to wonder about my level of unhappiness and I now have an inkling of why lottery winners often seem to end up in a sorry state of affairs. They say money does not buy happiness and in practical terms I have won a kind of lottery in itself. I got several massive issues out of the way last year which included getting social housing, finalising my divorce, losing all my weight and finally getting my GRS this year. I could not want for more and yet, and I seem to be saying this a lot recently, I am not happy. Someone suggested recently that I have had too much go right for me lately and I will need time to get used to it. Perhaps they have a good point, and perhaps I have gotten so used to be unhappy, being happy is almost a scary prospect. I know when I do relax and try to take in my happy state of affairs, I feel tense and anxious. It seems to fly in the face of most of my life and it takes me out of my comfort zone.
There is still a great deal for me to work on!
So, I can no longer attribute the majority of my issues on the hormones and need to examine closer the reasons as to why I feel so low at the moment. I am generally in a better place than I was. I wrote about turning a corner a few weeks ago, and still feel that I am on the improve. However, there are times when it comes crashing back down and it takes very little to make this happen. I have been talking to others about this and it is becoming quite apparent that this post-op experience is very common.
When talking to someone very recently, I used the term "fog of war". I first came upon this term from playing many simulation games such as Civilization and they commonly use this term to denote game-play mechanics. It is a military term that was coined a couple hundred years ago and I feel about my whole transitioning as being in a fog of war.
War would be a very good term to equate the whole process. From my entry into the gender clinic, I did battle from day one. My fights varied from serious clinical errors to therapists not following clinic protocols and even outright lies from admin staff. I had to take them all on, writing complaint after complaint. It was fatiguing and battle weary was how I felt when I finally got everything on track for the final part of my treatment, my GRS. Of course even that was delayed as this blog has described. The fog side of things was the fact that everything else in my life was completely obscured because of being so driven with getting through my transitioning. I could not see any of my other issues developing, let alone even think about dealing with them. I had to be so driven and hardened that I now feel I have not given myself time to myself to deal with my emotions.
Of course now although my journey is far from over, the transitioning actually is on a practical level. There are no more major fights that I can anticipate and suddenly this fog of war has now lifted. The view is very clear and at I can see everything ahead of me. Issues that were obscured have now come into sharp focus and at times I am completely overwhelmed.
The weekend just gone brought just one such issue into my mind. Increasingly I am finding the phenomenon of triggering becoming much more common in myself. This is where an event, a phrase or even a single word brings home an unpleasant reality or memory. I was always quite resilient to triggers before my surgery but now they can be quite devastating. I was triggered in one such way on Sunday and I became very distressed because of it. It brought home a serious issue that I had ignored in the months up to my surgery; I had done this to protect myself and get past the finishing line in one piece. I was left in a position where this threatened my emotional health and I needed to deal with it. It has been a problem that refused to go away in the last 12 months despite my best attempts to remedy this.
I am now working to deal with this issue, but it is going to take some time. When trying to deal with it in the past, the core issue was always brushed under the carpet by other parties despite my best attempts to keep this from happening. Now I have managed to make the other parties realise where I am at and hopefully we can work to resolve this issue.
I am also led to wonder about my level of unhappiness and I now have an inkling of why lottery winners often seem to end up in a sorry state of affairs. They say money does not buy happiness and in practical terms I have won a kind of lottery in itself. I got several massive issues out of the way last year which included getting social housing, finalising my divorce, losing all my weight and finally getting my GRS this year. I could not want for more and yet, and I seem to be saying this a lot recently, I am not happy. Someone suggested recently that I have had too much go right for me lately and I will need time to get used to it. Perhaps they have a good point, and perhaps I have gotten so used to be unhappy, being happy is almost a scary prospect. I know when I do relax and try to take in my happy state of affairs, I feel tense and anxious. It seems to fly in the face of most of my life and it takes me out of my comfort zone.
There is still a great deal for me to work on!
Friday, 13 March 2015
2 months post-op
It's quite hard to believe that it was two months ago that I had my surgery. At times, it has felt slow but on reflection, the time has actually passed much quicker than I expected. It has been interesting getting to this point and now I am in a position to be able to look back and see how far I have come in those couple of months.
I am healing very well. As I said at the 6 week mark, externally everything is completely there. I get a little soreness on some of my scars from time to time and I just put a tiny covering of Sudocrem on it to help with this. I have also had a spot on one scar and suspect it was an ingrowing hair. It is nice now to be able to go to the toilet and not have to fear bumping any wounds and getting bleeding.
The clitoral area has probably been the most relevant the last fortnight as there has been a lot of changes here. Just after my last update, we decided to have another go at removing the white build-up in the upper corner of the clitoral hood. I was aware that it was getting bigger and it looked like it had moved one morning. Mandy agreed and had another go at it with a cotton bud. Suddenly, it just fell off and ended up on my labia. I got a tissue and dabbed it off. On examination, this lump was the size of a medium pea, quite hard and a mass of all sorts, including pieces of suture.
Where it was attached, Mandy felt she could see a gaping hole but I assured her that it was just an indentation caused by the build-up. More exciting was the fact that suddenly the whole clitoris was now completely visible! My whole anatomy was a lot clearer now and what we had thought was the clitoris before was actually not.
This was 2 weeks ago and there have been some dramatic changes in the whole area. The clitoral hood has been slowly shrinking back and this has made the clitoris seem to become larger. The area in general is now taking on a more pink tone as opposed to the angry red that it was. Some granulation is now evident in isolated places. I have my post-op appointment in 10 days so they can decide then if they want to try to treat this (hopefully not, the silver nitrate stick they use stings a great deal).
There have also been some interesting sensations in this whole area. The end of the day is a little difficult as it gets very tight, almost painfully so. It actually becomes an effort to even move by the finish. Morning sees it much improved and perhaps the evenings are slowly getting better but the time-scale makes it hard to notice. There have also been some days where it is incredibly sensitive and just walking down the street is uncomfortable. It is not really painful, just massively sensitive. I have also had a few attacks of stabbing sensations, although these are less painful and more on the lines of pleasurable but not quite comfortable yet. Last night saw me have one whilst dilating and it lasted for a good 30 seconds. During that time, I was hard pressed to keep the dilator held in!
On that subject, dilation continues to be quite easy. I have however noticed a little pain particularly when getting to the back end of the vault. I am not too concerned, it may simply be a sign of sensation. The important thing is that it is not getting worse and some days, I hardly feel it at all. It is also possible there may be some granulation inside and this seems to happen at about 6 weeks, which was roughly when the pain started happening. I also notice sometimes that the gel that comes out afterwards can be a light brown colour. The advice is that granulation inside would cause streaks on the dilator, but there is no sign of this, just a general brown colour occasionally. This could simply be discharge of a sorts. I am still using panty liners to guard against discharge but there is very little now, it's mostly just a little urine on the liners.
Hormones, I still feel wrong physically and emotionally and I had a blood test yesterday. I will know next week where I am at.
Which brings me yet again to emotions and they have still been all over the place. Things got to a head about 10 days ago with actually feeling a little suicidal. It was not too serious and I used my skills from the past to help me work through it - you can read about it here. Since then, I have been ok and not got back to that low but I can be triggered very easily into getting upset. I feel I am progressing to a point, but it is slow going. I am using lots of ways to deal with it by talking about it, listening to music, reading, sewing and a little gaming (Civ 5 was cheap on Steam!). The more I ponder it, the more I realise how much of it is down to the end of my transition. I likened it to someone about it being like the fog of war having been lifted. Suddenly without my transitioning in the way, I can see everything in front of me and some of it is good but there are some bad things too. It's just very overwhelming and to be able to cope I have been having some lazy days recently. This has been quite therapeutic and I am starting to get to the point of feeling ready to start some of my projects I want to do, the main one is writing.
So that's it for the moment and I think that I will give it another month now before another update such as this. I will of course be writing other things too and I have my post-op check-up in 10 days which will of course make for something interesting!
My GRS time-line :
I am healing very well. As I said at the 6 week mark, externally everything is completely there. I get a little soreness on some of my scars from time to time and I just put a tiny covering of Sudocrem on it to help with this. I have also had a spot on one scar and suspect it was an ingrowing hair. It is nice now to be able to go to the toilet and not have to fear bumping any wounds and getting bleeding.
The clitoral area has probably been the most relevant the last fortnight as there has been a lot of changes here. Just after my last update, we decided to have another go at removing the white build-up in the upper corner of the clitoral hood. I was aware that it was getting bigger and it looked like it had moved one morning. Mandy agreed and had another go at it with a cotton bud. Suddenly, it just fell off and ended up on my labia. I got a tissue and dabbed it off. On examination, this lump was the size of a medium pea, quite hard and a mass of all sorts, including pieces of suture.
Where it was attached, Mandy felt she could see a gaping hole but I assured her that it was just an indentation caused by the build-up. More exciting was the fact that suddenly the whole clitoris was now completely visible! My whole anatomy was a lot clearer now and what we had thought was the clitoris before was actually not.
This was 2 weeks ago and there have been some dramatic changes in the whole area. The clitoral hood has been slowly shrinking back and this has made the clitoris seem to become larger. The area in general is now taking on a more pink tone as opposed to the angry red that it was. Some granulation is now evident in isolated places. I have my post-op appointment in 10 days so they can decide then if they want to try to treat this (hopefully not, the silver nitrate stick they use stings a great deal).
There have also been some interesting sensations in this whole area. The end of the day is a little difficult as it gets very tight, almost painfully so. It actually becomes an effort to even move by the finish. Morning sees it much improved and perhaps the evenings are slowly getting better but the time-scale makes it hard to notice. There have also been some days where it is incredibly sensitive and just walking down the street is uncomfortable. It is not really painful, just massively sensitive. I have also had a few attacks of stabbing sensations, although these are less painful and more on the lines of pleasurable but not quite comfortable yet. Last night saw me have one whilst dilating and it lasted for a good 30 seconds. During that time, I was hard pressed to keep the dilator held in!
On that subject, dilation continues to be quite easy. I have however noticed a little pain particularly when getting to the back end of the vault. I am not too concerned, it may simply be a sign of sensation. The important thing is that it is not getting worse and some days, I hardly feel it at all. It is also possible there may be some granulation inside and this seems to happen at about 6 weeks, which was roughly when the pain started happening. I also notice sometimes that the gel that comes out afterwards can be a light brown colour. The advice is that granulation inside would cause streaks on the dilator, but there is no sign of this, just a general brown colour occasionally. This could simply be discharge of a sorts. I am still using panty liners to guard against discharge but there is very little now, it's mostly just a little urine on the liners.
Hormones, I still feel wrong physically and emotionally and I had a blood test yesterday. I will know next week where I am at.
Which brings me yet again to emotions and they have still been all over the place. Things got to a head about 10 days ago with actually feeling a little suicidal. It was not too serious and I used my skills from the past to help me work through it - you can read about it here. Since then, I have been ok and not got back to that low but I can be triggered very easily into getting upset. I feel I am progressing to a point, but it is slow going. I am using lots of ways to deal with it by talking about it, listening to music, reading, sewing and a little gaming (Civ 5 was cheap on Steam!). The more I ponder it, the more I realise how much of it is down to the end of my transition. I likened it to someone about it being like the fog of war having been lifted. Suddenly without my transitioning in the way, I can see everything in front of me and some of it is good but there are some bad things too. It's just very overwhelming and to be able to cope I have been having some lazy days recently. This has been quite therapeutic and I am starting to get to the point of feeling ready to start some of my projects I want to do, the main one is writing.
So that's it for the moment and I think that I will give it another month now before another update such as this. I will of course be writing other things too and I have my post-op check-up in 10 days which will of course make for something interesting!
My GRS time-line :
- Surgery recollections - The day of the surgery itself.
- Bed rest - The days following surgery and the critical resting phase.
- Vaginal pack removal and first dilations - The day I saw my vagina for the first time and started dilating.
- Catheter woes and first solo dilations - Catheter comes out, goes back in again! I also dilate without supervision for the first time.
- An adventure of a lifetime - Getting back home and reflecting on the whole experience.
- 10 days post-op - Getting back to normality and bad smells!
- 2 weeks post-op - Catheter removal and successful toileting.
- 3 weeks post-op - Healing well and advancing dilation.
- 4 weeks post-op - More healing and hot flushes.
- 6 weeks post-op - An emotional time.
- Dilation FAQ's - Some ins and outs of dilation
- Post GRS emotions - Dealing with the emotional roller coaster aftermath.
Sunday, 8 March 2015
Walking therapy
I am definitely starting to feel like I am on the mend emotionally. I still feel my hormones are not right and some discussion yesterday also revealed that the whole oestrogen effect is much different post-op due to the complete absence of any testosterone. There was also a wobbly moment yesterday but it was a shared experience and we got through it with some clever use of Skype and private messaging.
Earlier in the week, I mentioned how getting out and socialising had helped. Friday was a glorious day and I really felt a good walk in the country would be of massive benefit. I have been doing some short walks since I got out and about and so far I had managed just over a couple of miles. Friday I decided was going to push this a little further and had a good look at the map. Within 5 minutes walk from our front door our several footpaths all in different directions and I found one that could lead to a nice 90 minute circular walk. I packed my new shoulder bag I had bought for just this purpose with a few supplies and set off.
I walk down our lane towards the village of Pitminster and find the start of the footpath within a few minutes. It starts with a boundary of a ploughed field and then over the first of many stiles. These were interesting when I started walking post-op. For a couple of weeks when I started walking, these were not even a possibility and I kept to the roads. When I did decide to brave stiles, it was tentatively and holding on to anything I could for dear life. Now, they are a great deal easier and not really any great issue although I am still careful.
I traverse a couple of fields, a small footbridge and then back on to country lane for a short stint before in through a gate way and across the middle of a large field. The path was not clear and I was using a scan of an Explorer OS map to keep to where I needed to be. This building in the distance of this photo is Poundisford park, and my return path is over there. The field I am in is quite large and a small pond is over the far end and I see the next stile.
A short distance along the path is yet another stile which leads to a secluded grove. I take a photo of another stile which shows a reminder of a place I once worked. The less said about that the better...
This grove was quite overgrown to start with and it required a little pushing through. At this point the coffee I had had in town on the morning was taking effect and I was left in a situation of dealing with my first ever call of nature, in the middle of nature! This is something many of us joke about pre-op, about how we can still find a tree or a bush and use what we still have. Suddenly post-op, I am faced with a different reality entirely. I had anticipated this and packed mopping up supplies accordingly so it's unbutton the trousers (yes I do wear them occasionally) and squat down. Nope, that wont work, the angle is going to spray it all over my ankles. I stand up and try to rethink it all but I can see any other choice. I squat down again and decide to lean forward as much as I can. Then I am faced with a problem that I can't seem to go. I need to but it wont happen. It's the stress of trying to discover a position as well as the fear of being stumbled upon. Eventually it does happen, it did go where I wanted it to and I felt quite happy I had dealt with this little demon! A quick dry off with a baby wipe and it's trousers back up and off walking again.
It's a noisy thing and hard to believe that I can be so close to the beauty of nature with this monstrosity next to me. However, we need these roads so I have to put up with it.
I am greeted by more stiles and then a stream with no footbridge. It's a small affair but has a slippery bank the other side which requires thought given my recovering state. I manage to get myself up and then over another stile before being greeted by a wooded area. This requires some tricky navigation as the path is not defined and more than once I ended up with the way forward being blocked. I get through this and then come across a steel footbridge that goes across it and realise that I have driven under this bridge more than a hundred times and often wondered what the footpaths that led to it were like. Now I have found out!
I decide that for today, I am not going to cross over and continue across some more field before arriving back at Poundisford park. There is a line of daffodils along the path and in a week they will make for a nice splash of colour against the green of the field. I then pick up the road from before, across a couple fields and then along the road to home. My feet are sore and there is also a blister under one toe which is a sign that my walking shoes are brand new and need more breaking in! I am quite happy though, the weather was gorgeous and the fresh air and exercise has made me feel comfortably tired.
Oh yes, I did also take a selfie which is not so easy with a traditional camera!
P.S. Apologies for the layout of the photo's. Putting this many into a post was a new, and frustrating, experience. I will improve this with time :)
Earlier in the week, I mentioned how getting out and socialising had helped. Friday was a glorious day and I really felt a good walk in the country would be of massive benefit. I have been doing some short walks since I got out and about and so far I had managed just over a couple of miles. Friday I decided was going to push this a little further and had a good look at the map. Within 5 minutes walk from our front door our several footpaths all in different directions and I found one that could lead to a nice 90 minute circular walk. I packed my new shoulder bag I had bought for just this purpose with a few supplies and set off.
I walk down our lane towards the village of Pitminster and find the start of the footpath within a few minutes. It starts with a boundary of a ploughed field and then over the first of many stiles. These were interesting when I started walking post-op. For a couple of weeks when I started walking, these were not even a possibility and I kept to the roads. When I did decide to brave stiles, it was tentatively and holding on to anything I could for dear life. Now, they are a great deal easier and not really any great issue although I am still careful.
I traverse a couple of fields, a small footbridge and then back on to country lane for a short stint before in through a gate way and across the middle of a large field. The path was not clear and I was using a scan of an Explorer OS map to keep to where I needed to be. This building in the distance of this photo is Poundisford park, and my return path is over there. The field I am in is quite large and a small pond is over the far end and I see the next stile.A short distance along the path is yet another stile which leads to a secluded grove. I take a photo of another stile which shows a reminder of a place I once worked. The less said about that the better...
This grove was quite overgrown to start with and it required a little pushing through. At this point the coffee I had had in town on the morning was taking effect and I was left in a situation of dealing with my first ever call of nature, in the middle of nature! This is something many of us joke about pre-op, about how we can still find a tree or a bush and use what we still have. Suddenly post-op, I am faced with a different reality entirely. I had anticipated this and packed mopping up supplies accordingly so it's unbutton the trousers (yes I do wear them occasionally) and squat down. Nope, that wont work, the angle is going to spray it all over my ankles. I stand up and try to rethink it all but I can see any other choice. I squat down again and decide to lean forward as much as I can. Then I am faced with a problem that I can't seem to go. I need to but it wont happen. It's the stress of trying to discover a position as well as the fear of being stumbled upon. Eventually it does happen, it did go where I wanted it to and I felt quite happy I had dealt with this little demon! A quick dry off with a baby wipe and it's trousers back up and off walking again.
I
go over another stile and we
are back to fields again. A large military aircraft flies over and I
manage to get a picture of it as it does so.I walk further on and after
some more fields I am greeted with the sight of the M5 motorway
It's a noisy thing and hard to believe that I can be so close to the beauty of nature with this monstrosity next to me. However, we need these roads so I have to put up with it.I am greeted by more stiles and then a stream with no footbridge. It's a small affair but has a slippery bank the other side which requires thought given my recovering state. I manage to get myself up and then over another stile before being greeted by a wooded area. This requires some tricky navigation as the path is not defined and more than once I ended up with the way forward being blocked. I get through this and then come across a steel footbridge that goes across it and realise that I have driven under this bridge more than a hundred times and often wondered what the footpaths that led to it were like. Now I have found out!
I decide that for today, I am not going to cross over and continue across some more field before arriving back at Poundisford park. There is a line of daffodils along the path and in a week they will make for a nice splash of colour against the green of the field. I then pick up the road from before, across a couple fields and then along the road to home. My feet are sore and there is also a blister under one toe which is a sign that my walking shoes are brand new and need more breaking in! I am quite happy though, the weather was gorgeous and the fresh air and exercise has made me feel comfortably tired.Oh yes, I did also take a selfie which is not so easy with a traditional camera!
P.S. Apologies for the layout of the photo's. Putting this many into a post was a new, and frustrating, experience. I will improve this with time :)
Thursday, 5 March 2015
Turning a corner and back on the up
I must admit that my writing has taken a darker turn the last few weeks but it has been an honest reflection of my emotional state. It is not good me pretending to be smiles and happiness when I am in a very unhappy place. To the outside world, I do portray that image because a happy face makes it easier to get around in public, being miserable WILL get you read more.
But once home, I have found that the mask slips and life has been seriously difficult. I am super-sensitive to everything and often I get overwhelmed when too much is happening. This has led to a great deal of tension between Mandy and myself, and we have had to try to develop coping mechanisms to get through this. She now knows that when she returns from her day centres three days a week, she needs to come at me in a more gentle manner. I often have quiet days when she is away and she returns excited and boisterous and it is very difficult for me to handle. I am also finding dealing with problems an issue and I have had to get Mandy to explain to people that although I am physically very well, emotionally I am still resting and need time before I can deal with unimportant issues.
The lowness of my mood has recently got to scary levels. It has been frustrating because looking at it from outside, I should actually be really happy. In a way I am happy in some aspects, I am still overjoyed at having my new vagina and the novelty is far from wearing off. It is healing really well and the post-op discomfort is lessening. It's just that life itself has become very unsatisfying. I then start to have thoughts of what is the point and why am I bothering any more. Whilst I have had such thoughts in the past, they were situational related but this is not so much. I was not quite at the point of reaching for the phone to Samaritans but I think it may have been close at one point. Because of my past work with them, I was able to realise that I was having such thoughts and try to deal with them.
I have tried and tried to get to the root of this and am still very convinced that hormones are playing a large part of the problem. I heard again today that some find getting hormone levels correct after GRS can be very difficult. I was told that the dosage was tripled and this is the second time I have heard this. It seems to be gel delivered oestrogen that is the culprit and although there is no evidence to support this, the theory could be skin changes over time and how the gel is absorbed. Hearing that others struggle has helped, it makes me feel less inclined to blame myself. I have a blood test next Thursday and we can look at it from there. It's however a woman's prerogative to blame her hormones, and I therefore invoke that right to do so!
That aside, I may have found a couple of other factors that may have been a major factor in my low mood. The first is isolation. I spent a week in hospital and then nearly four weeks in my flat. I was incredibly grateful for my visitors in the first week I was back home and then it all dried up. I spent a lonely few weeks until my friend Susan came over for a week and this gave me a reprieve, and it was almost the other way because it was tiring at times. I must also thank another friend, Becky, for taking me out for a coffee for a few times when I couldn't drive. Without those few trips out, I think I may have been a great deal worse.
Of course, I have been driving the last few weeks and every other day, I drive into town for a coffee and do our shopping. This is however, still very isolating because I have no one to go out with and sit reading my book or writing notes while I have my coffee. It is still better than being at home, but I was still feeling isolated. I am missing my voluntary work and being with other people but I am just not ready to be dealing with work related problems at this time.
I realised that isolation was the problem yesterday (Wednesday). As soon as a week after coming out of surgery, I was sent an email inviting me to a disability discussion forum scheduled for yesterday. I looked at the dates and felt I would be ready for this. I had been to one last October and found it to be an engaging affair with opportunities for me to push my boundaries. As important, it was away from trans* issues and more about my own issues with Mandy and myself.
So, off I went yesterday and found it to be as enjoyable as the one last year. I seemed to end up talking into the microphone a great deal, something that still scares me now because my voice is not brilliant. I even managed to bring in the trans* community because there was a lady from the local council discussing local swimming pools and I asked whether they were interested in helping the trans* community use their facilities. I did this in front of everyone and it really piqued the interest of the lady who approached me afterwards for more information. This forum also had lots of breaks and it gave me an opportunity to speak to other people and I had some deep conversations with a couple of ladies. One of these is interested in starting a group with no particular purpose other than to meet up and chat. This is exactly what I think I might need in my life and I hope we can get this off the ground.
I was buzzing by the time I got home and I realised just what a positive experience this day had been and how the effect on me was helping me get back on my feet. Today too, I have had another group meeting although this was trans* related. It was still a positive factor and involved meeting at the Laurel's gender clinic. It was really nice to have so many of the staff ask me how it was all going. I was apparently the source of much humour when they rang me on my hospital bed in Brighton to tell me not to turn up at the last meeting. At the time, I did explain that it would have been difficult seeing as I was bed bound and it was over 200 miles to get there!
Of course there was one other factor that may be a contributor in my low mood and that is the issue of "the void". This is a phenomenon where a transgender person reaches the end of their transitioning and finds there is nothing left to do. I knew about this and felt it would not be an issue for me. Sadly, I think it has been more than I have realised. The last 5 years have seen me have to be so driven to get what I needed. If I had not been like this, I would still be waiting for my GRS. It could even be another 12 months or more away, this is how hard I have pushed things. My determination with my transitioning was like driving a car, you need to push that accelerator hard and then suddenly you reach your destination going at full speed. You simply can't stop suddenly and I feel the momentum is still very much there but with nothing to focus on to slow it down. This could explain the feelings of "what is the point", it's like there is nothing left to strive for in life. There is no longer an end goal to work for as there has been.
I think by recognising this, I can now move forwards and start to deal with it all. It's like a grieving process of it's own, I need to lay to rest my transitioning and start to think about my future without it all. I have mentioned just after I got back from Brighton about how nice it will be to do everything without the "noise" of transitioning but I now think in retrospect that I was not ready to dispense with it at that point. Now, I think the time has come and I can use my physical recovery to speed this along by being able to do more things such as longer walks and hopefully soon get back to my running.
I truly hope that this is me turning the corner now and the future can start to develop into the life I always wanted. I will always have a trans-past but I am cis-gender now and the gender dysphoria is now gone. It is time to realise this and start doing all those things I wanted to do before my transitioning got in the way.
But once home, I have found that the mask slips and life has been seriously difficult. I am super-sensitive to everything and often I get overwhelmed when too much is happening. This has led to a great deal of tension between Mandy and myself, and we have had to try to develop coping mechanisms to get through this. She now knows that when she returns from her day centres three days a week, she needs to come at me in a more gentle manner. I often have quiet days when she is away and she returns excited and boisterous and it is very difficult for me to handle. I am also finding dealing with problems an issue and I have had to get Mandy to explain to people that although I am physically very well, emotionally I am still resting and need time before I can deal with unimportant issues.
The lowness of my mood has recently got to scary levels. It has been frustrating because looking at it from outside, I should actually be really happy. In a way I am happy in some aspects, I am still overjoyed at having my new vagina and the novelty is far from wearing off. It is healing really well and the post-op discomfort is lessening. It's just that life itself has become very unsatisfying. I then start to have thoughts of what is the point and why am I bothering any more. Whilst I have had such thoughts in the past, they were situational related but this is not so much. I was not quite at the point of reaching for the phone to Samaritans but I think it may have been close at one point. Because of my past work with them, I was able to realise that I was having such thoughts and try to deal with them.
I have tried and tried to get to the root of this and am still very convinced that hormones are playing a large part of the problem. I heard again today that some find getting hormone levels correct after GRS can be very difficult. I was told that the dosage was tripled and this is the second time I have heard this. It seems to be gel delivered oestrogen that is the culprit and although there is no evidence to support this, the theory could be skin changes over time and how the gel is absorbed. Hearing that others struggle has helped, it makes me feel less inclined to blame myself. I have a blood test next Thursday and we can look at it from there. It's however a woman's prerogative to blame her hormones, and I therefore invoke that right to do so!
That aside, I may have found a couple of other factors that may have been a major factor in my low mood. The first is isolation. I spent a week in hospital and then nearly four weeks in my flat. I was incredibly grateful for my visitors in the first week I was back home and then it all dried up. I spent a lonely few weeks until my friend Susan came over for a week and this gave me a reprieve, and it was almost the other way because it was tiring at times. I must also thank another friend, Becky, for taking me out for a coffee for a few times when I couldn't drive. Without those few trips out, I think I may have been a great deal worse.
Of course, I have been driving the last few weeks and every other day, I drive into town for a coffee and do our shopping. This is however, still very isolating because I have no one to go out with and sit reading my book or writing notes while I have my coffee. It is still better than being at home, but I was still feeling isolated. I am missing my voluntary work and being with other people but I am just not ready to be dealing with work related problems at this time.
I realised that isolation was the problem yesterday (Wednesday). As soon as a week after coming out of surgery, I was sent an email inviting me to a disability discussion forum scheduled for yesterday. I looked at the dates and felt I would be ready for this. I had been to one last October and found it to be an engaging affair with opportunities for me to push my boundaries. As important, it was away from trans* issues and more about my own issues with Mandy and myself.
So, off I went yesterday and found it to be as enjoyable as the one last year. I seemed to end up talking into the microphone a great deal, something that still scares me now because my voice is not brilliant. I even managed to bring in the trans* community because there was a lady from the local council discussing local swimming pools and I asked whether they were interested in helping the trans* community use their facilities. I did this in front of everyone and it really piqued the interest of the lady who approached me afterwards for more information. This forum also had lots of breaks and it gave me an opportunity to speak to other people and I had some deep conversations with a couple of ladies. One of these is interested in starting a group with no particular purpose other than to meet up and chat. This is exactly what I think I might need in my life and I hope we can get this off the ground.
I was buzzing by the time I got home and I realised just what a positive experience this day had been and how the effect on me was helping me get back on my feet. Today too, I have had another group meeting although this was trans* related. It was still a positive factor and involved meeting at the Laurel's gender clinic. It was really nice to have so many of the staff ask me how it was all going. I was apparently the source of much humour when they rang me on my hospital bed in Brighton to tell me not to turn up at the last meeting. At the time, I did explain that it would have been difficult seeing as I was bed bound and it was over 200 miles to get there!
Of course there was one other factor that may be a contributor in my low mood and that is the issue of "the void". This is a phenomenon where a transgender person reaches the end of their transitioning and finds there is nothing left to do. I knew about this and felt it would not be an issue for me. Sadly, I think it has been more than I have realised. The last 5 years have seen me have to be so driven to get what I needed. If I had not been like this, I would still be waiting for my GRS. It could even be another 12 months or more away, this is how hard I have pushed things. My determination with my transitioning was like driving a car, you need to push that accelerator hard and then suddenly you reach your destination going at full speed. You simply can't stop suddenly and I feel the momentum is still very much there but with nothing to focus on to slow it down. This could explain the feelings of "what is the point", it's like there is nothing left to strive for in life. There is no longer an end goal to work for as there has been.
I think by recognising this, I can now move forwards and start to deal with it all. It's like a grieving process of it's own, I need to lay to rest my transitioning and start to think about my future without it all. I have mentioned just after I got back from Brighton about how nice it will be to do everything without the "noise" of transitioning but I now think in retrospect that I was not ready to dispense with it at that point. Now, I think the time has come and I can use my physical recovery to speed this along by being able to do more things such as longer walks and hopefully soon get back to my running.
I truly hope that this is me turning the corner now and the future can start to develop into the life I always wanted. I will always have a trans-past but I am cis-gender now and the gender dysphoria is now gone. It is time to realise this and start doing all those things I wanted to do before my transitioning got in the way.
Friday, 27 February 2015
More ups and downs
It's been another of those weeks, a big low point at the beginning and then a massive high at the end. My emotions have been so up and down for the last few months and it is well worth another write about to try to make some sense of it all.
I have a feeling that a lot of this is down to hormones. In this respect, my body has had the equivalent of being dragged through a hedge backwards, and then put through a shredder for good measures. It started back in October actually when my bloods revealed an estradiol level that was far too high. I had to reduce my dose, which then triggered the start of testosterone production.
In December, I stopped taking oestrogen (E) completely in readiness for my GRS and this then saw a full blown testosterone (T) surge. This probably explained why there was no gentle ramp up of the T, it was full blown within a few days of stopping E. Those 6 weeks were phenomenally difficult and to be honest I was clinging on by my fingernails by the end of it. Of course the GRS brought about a removal of those T producing factories and within a day, I could feel peace and quiet internally. There was also the euphoria of being post-op and this was a very powerful and emotional time.
Then there was a three week period of having no hormones whatsoever. This was initially not too bad and I was riding on that wave of euphoria. It didn't last forever though, and halfway through the second week, I found I was struggling. It was a blessed relief to restart my hormones. I then discovered that very few make it through those three weeks and some even restart as soon as they get home from hospital. I have even read more than one story where they took their hormones in hospital!
I am over three weeks of being back on my hormones and it does not feel right. I have a test in a couple of weeks which may or may not indicate the correct levels, but I am not feeling the effects I had before surgery. The most obvious should be tender breasts and they were untouchable prior to stopping E, now I can beat them with my fists. The hot flushes thankfully have stopped, but only just.
So it's entirely possible my E levels have been all over the place for several months. Of course, we can look at another factor that is likely to be contributing to this and that is of course the GRS itself. I was warned by many that it could be difficult afterwards, but nothing has prepared me for this. Overall, the euphoria is still there and when I am up, I am really up. I am super emotional and this can then lead to severe crashes which shoves the euphoria to one side. There are times when I can't stop crying and negative moments will leap into my mind and get stuck in there. It then needs a positive happening to bounce me back up again.
There is of course the physical aspect of the surgery itself, and this takes a fair toll on the body and mind too. I have ruled out the anaesthetic, I got that out of my system very quickly by drinking a phenomenal amount of fluids whilst in hospital. There is the small matter of pain and although that has not been a major issue with me, it is still there even now. Further on from the surgery is that fact that mobility is a little more limited, it is harder to get out of chairs and off the bed as well as other things. Everything simply takes more thought and effort. Dilation, I can rule out because I have no issues with that and I even use it as coping mechanism. There was also the element of isolation when back home from hospital, I could have used more visitors and even a couple more trips out but our remote location made this difficult. Most of these physical issues have lessened but now I have a sensitivity in the clitoral area that although is not too bad, it constantly there with very little relief.
This brings us to the week in hand, and this is fairly typical in how my moods have been swinging. Tuesday saw us with an appointment for my partner at the hospital with the optician because she is having some serious issues with her sight. This was very difficult to attend as I still can't lift her wheelchair in and out of the car (another issue that is distressing me). We managed to enlist the help of a friend though and after battling our way through traffic, arrived at the correct reception. We waited 20 minutes only to be told that the optician had phoned in sick an hour earlier. They could actually have rung us at home and cancelled so we didn't make the trip in, never mind make us sit there for those 20 minutes.
There was an issue making another appointment and the receptionist I was dealing with was very nasty in her talking to me. I found this very difficult to take and became even more upset when 5 or more staff then decided to cluster around me, almost as if I was going to become aggressive. I expressed my discomfort at this and on reflection felt it was a kind of misgendering, would they have crowded a cisgender woman to the same degree? In the end the ward sister came and took over, and she was actually quite a kind person. By the end of it, we were out at the front desk of the hospital with me in tears in front of everyone around. I did complain when I got back home, and a few hours after the receptionist in question rang me to apologise. I was not happy about this as I do not feel I was ready to speak to her.
Once I am on a low, it will hang around until something happens to kick me out of it. Very little I can do seems to bring me out of it and I and up with anhedonia (I experience little pleasure in usually pleasurable activities). After last years depression and anxiety, I developed some coping strategies and one of them is to go out and have a coffee. At the moment, this I have to do on my own, but I take a book and go and read whilst enjoying the bustle around me. The next morning I decided to do just this and when I ordered my coffee, the person on the till decided to call me sir. I was not ready for this at all, I objected in probably not the best way and his excuse was pretty pathetic - he calls everyone sir. This then ruined one of my coping mechanisms and it was all I could do to drink that coffee, get my shopping done and then get home - I was crying in the car most of the way. I get home to a message saying that someone was ringing about my complaint within 20 minutes. I was not ready for it at all and when the phone did go, it was very tough. I decided to tell them in the end everything, who I was, what my surgery had been and how rough things were with my hormones. I wanted them to understand that virtually everyone visits a hospital with something going on and staff should be more understanding of that. This helped a little but the day ended still very low. I even tried talking it out on a self help group on Facebook, but it didn't really get anywhere. I felt my problems were quite trivial compared to others.
The improvement came the following day. Nicola who owns the salon where I have my electrolysis had rung me the week before to ask how I was. I made an appointment for this week and decided that I could have something nice with the money I was saving from not having my electrolysis. A hot stone full body massage was booked and this was Thursday's treat. To be honest though, I was still in a trough and was not too fussed about it all. This soon changed when I walked into the salon. Everyone was there, asking me about everything and how it had gone. I was then given a bunch of flowers and all of a sudden the world seemed a much better place. The massage almost seemed irrelevant although it was very nice!
Today saw me deal with the issue at the coffee shop. Once upon a time I would have written a complaint to the head office, but I decided instead to have a gentle word with the manager. Given most there know me by name, I was going to use this and I felt much happier that I had dealt with it quietly. I walked through town to visit my new voluntary workplace and encountered a bunch of window cleaners. They had a good snigger, but I didn't care but I was on an up and nothing was going to stop me.
So this is how it seems to be at the moment, peaks and troughs and all of them quite extreme. The hope in it all is that the troughs, whilst extremely low are generally short lived and the peaks seems to outweigh them. Generally it is just lows, they are nothing like the black dog of last year and it usually just ends with massive spells of crying. I have been told by some that this is actually very normal and can take some time to level out. I am hoping that settling the hormones down might help but until I have that blood test, there is little I can do except to try cope when it is bad. I think it's important to understand that this is part of GRS and anyone proceeding down this path needs to be ready for it. I knew about this, and it has totally taken me by surprise. It still wouldn't have stopped me though!
I have a feeling that a lot of this is down to hormones. In this respect, my body has had the equivalent of being dragged through a hedge backwards, and then put through a shredder for good measures. It started back in October actually when my bloods revealed an estradiol level that was far too high. I had to reduce my dose, which then triggered the start of testosterone production.
In December, I stopped taking oestrogen (E) completely in readiness for my GRS and this then saw a full blown testosterone (T) surge. This probably explained why there was no gentle ramp up of the T, it was full blown within a few days of stopping E. Those 6 weeks were phenomenally difficult and to be honest I was clinging on by my fingernails by the end of it. Of course the GRS brought about a removal of those T producing factories and within a day, I could feel peace and quiet internally. There was also the euphoria of being post-op and this was a very powerful and emotional time.
Then there was a three week period of having no hormones whatsoever. This was initially not too bad and I was riding on that wave of euphoria. It didn't last forever though, and halfway through the second week, I found I was struggling. It was a blessed relief to restart my hormones. I then discovered that very few make it through those three weeks and some even restart as soon as they get home from hospital. I have even read more than one story where they took their hormones in hospital!
I am over three weeks of being back on my hormones and it does not feel right. I have a test in a couple of weeks which may or may not indicate the correct levels, but I am not feeling the effects I had before surgery. The most obvious should be tender breasts and they were untouchable prior to stopping E, now I can beat them with my fists. The hot flushes thankfully have stopped, but only just.
So it's entirely possible my E levels have been all over the place for several months. Of course, we can look at another factor that is likely to be contributing to this and that is of course the GRS itself. I was warned by many that it could be difficult afterwards, but nothing has prepared me for this. Overall, the euphoria is still there and when I am up, I am really up. I am super emotional and this can then lead to severe crashes which shoves the euphoria to one side. There are times when I can't stop crying and negative moments will leap into my mind and get stuck in there. It then needs a positive happening to bounce me back up again.
There is of course the physical aspect of the surgery itself, and this takes a fair toll on the body and mind too. I have ruled out the anaesthetic, I got that out of my system very quickly by drinking a phenomenal amount of fluids whilst in hospital. There is the small matter of pain and although that has not been a major issue with me, it is still there even now. Further on from the surgery is that fact that mobility is a little more limited, it is harder to get out of chairs and off the bed as well as other things. Everything simply takes more thought and effort. Dilation, I can rule out because I have no issues with that and I even use it as coping mechanism. There was also the element of isolation when back home from hospital, I could have used more visitors and even a couple more trips out but our remote location made this difficult. Most of these physical issues have lessened but now I have a sensitivity in the clitoral area that although is not too bad, it constantly there with very little relief.
This brings us to the week in hand, and this is fairly typical in how my moods have been swinging. Tuesday saw us with an appointment for my partner at the hospital with the optician because she is having some serious issues with her sight. This was very difficult to attend as I still can't lift her wheelchair in and out of the car (another issue that is distressing me). We managed to enlist the help of a friend though and after battling our way through traffic, arrived at the correct reception. We waited 20 minutes only to be told that the optician had phoned in sick an hour earlier. They could actually have rung us at home and cancelled so we didn't make the trip in, never mind make us sit there for those 20 minutes.
There was an issue making another appointment and the receptionist I was dealing with was very nasty in her talking to me. I found this very difficult to take and became even more upset when 5 or more staff then decided to cluster around me, almost as if I was going to become aggressive. I expressed my discomfort at this and on reflection felt it was a kind of misgendering, would they have crowded a cisgender woman to the same degree? In the end the ward sister came and took over, and she was actually quite a kind person. By the end of it, we were out at the front desk of the hospital with me in tears in front of everyone around. I did complain when I got back home, and a few hours after the receptionist in question rang me to apologise. I was not happy about this as I do not feel I was ready to speak to her.
Once I am on a low, it will hang around until something happens to kick me out of it. Very little I can do seems to bring me out of it and I and up with anhedonia (I experience little pleasure in usually pleasurable activities). After last years depression and anxiety, I developed some coping strategies and one of them is to go out and have a coffee. At the moment, this I have to do on my own, but I take a book and go and read whilst enjoying the bustle around me. The next morning I decided to do just this and when I ordered my coffee, the person on the till decided to call me sir. I was not ready for this at all, I objected in probably not the best way and his excuse was pretty pathetic - he calls everyone sir. This then ruined one of my coping mechanisms and it was all I could do to drink that coffee, get my shopping done and then get home - I was crying in the car most of the way. I get home to a message saying that someone was ringing about my complaint within 20 minutes. I was not ready for it at all and when the phone did go, it was very tough. I decided to tell them in the end everything, who I was, what my surgery had been and how rough things were with my hormones. I wanted them to understand that virtually everyone visits a hospital with something going on and staff should be more understanding of that. This helped a little but the day ended still very low. I even tried talking it out on a self help group on Facebook, but it didn't really get anywhere. I felt my problems were quite trivial compared to others.
The improvement came the following day. Nicola who owns the salon where I have my electrolysis had rung me the week before to ask how I was. I made an appointment for this week and decided that I could have something nice with the money I was saving from not having my electrolysis. A hot stone full body massage was booked and this was Thursday's treat. To be honest though, I was still in a trough and was not too fussed about it all. This soon changed when I walked into the salon. Everyone was there, asking me about everything and how it had gone. I was then given a bunch of flowers and all of a sudden the world seemed a much better place. The massage almost seemed irrelevant although it was very nice!
Today saw me deal with the issue at the coffee shop. Once upon a time I would have written a complaint to the head office, but I decided instead to have a gentle word with the manager. Given most there know me by name, I was going to use this and I felt much happier that I had dealt with it quietly. I walked through town to visit my new voluntary workplace and encountered a bunch of window cleaners. They had a good snigger, but I didn't care but I was on an up and nothing was going to stop me.
So this is how it seems to be at the moment, peaks and troughs and all of them quite extreme. The hope in it all is that the troughs, whilst extremely low are generally short lived and the peaks seems to outweigh them. Generally it is just lows, they are nothing like the black dog of last year and it usually just ends with massive spells of crying. I have been told by some that this is actually very normal and can take some time to level out. I am hoping that settling the hormones down might help but until I have that blood test, there is little I can do except to try cope when it is bad. I think it's important to understand that this is part of GRS and anyone proceeding down this path needs to be ready for it. I knew about this, and it has totally taken me by surprise. It still wouldn't have stopped me though!
Tuesday, 24 February 2015
6 weeks post op
A fortnight since the last update has seen quite a bit of change in many areas of my recovery and leaving things a fortnight has made for a good way of seeing more change.
The surgical site itself is now a two-part story. Externally, all of the suture lines are now completely healed. There is no broken skin at all and no sutures are visible. This healing completed at just over the 5 week mark, which I feel is pretty impressive given that at the 10 day mark it was looking pretty gruesome. I have photo's I have taken every week and the different is staggering. I almost wish I could post them to show how quickly it healed, but it just aint gonna happen! The healing process has of course left scars, but they are of small consequence to me. I realise that some may desire a scar free result because those scars may be a give-away as to a trans past, but it is not that important to me. These scars will fade over time anyway and my age is favourable too. There are suggestions in the discharge notes about scarring, I am still thinking on them.
Whilst externally everything is good, the clitoral area is not quite so good. It is healing slower than the exterior and my guess is that it's because everything is hidden away underneath skin and away from the fresh air. This is where the photo's have been very handy because even with the slowness of it all, I can see how it is improving progressively. This is something that may be worth considering to anyone having GRS in the future.
We have also had some issues with bleeding in this area during the last fortnight. About 10 days ago, whilst out and about, I noticed some pinkness when dabbing after going to the toilet. When getting back home, I found some fresh blood on my pad in the upper area. I did not think to much of this and had no more issues for a few days. Then, this Saturday, Mandy was cleaning the clitoral area and we decided that we would try to remove some of the white build up in the corner. She tried quite hard and the end result was some more bleeding. I then had to take everything quite carefully that day and the found that it stopped by midday. However, a visit to the toilet late afternoon and I suddenly had quite a lot of fresh blood again. The whole weekend was a recurring theme of this and now cleaning has reverted to very gentle wiping of the area.
It got to yesterday and again, fresh blood later in the day, after urination. Another inspection from Mandy and we then had suspicions that it may be coming from the urethral area. I started to piece together all the facts and we began to realise that a lot of these problems were happening on days when I had been drinking more, and then obviously urinating more. An email was written and sent off to Brighton for advice. Amazingly, even in the evening, I received a reply and the thoughts were that it may be granulation tissue around the urethra. Granulation tissue typically has a good blood supply and the urine is disturbing this causing the bleeding. Mandy has had another good look at the area and can find little evidence of this. Provided the bleeding is not an issue, it is actually very minor, I have been told to wait until my post-op check in four weeks and then they will look and treat it if necessary.
Dilation has still presented no issues and I have moved up to a 35mm dilator. So for now, I am using the 30 and 35, three times a day. The next step, possibly in a few weeks is to try the 37.5 and then aim to start with a 32.5. My schedule says that in a week I can drop to twice a day if required but I will continue for the moment three times a day unless I have something happening during the day, but for March this is only a couple of times. I am also finding my dilation time very therapeutic and look forward to it, particularly the middle of the day one. I also found that the morning one was cutting into the day too much as I was having to wait for Mandy to get up before I could use the bed. I got around this problem by doing the first dilation on the settee instead. It's a little cramped but it works and I can be ready for the day ahead much sooner than before.
Hormones are still a slow process. I am now three weeks back on to them and the hot flushes have only just disappeared along with the night sweats. I still feel I am not yet at the right level because I am emotionally all over the place and I have no physical signs of feminising effects. I was on a relatively low dose anyway and it simply be taking time to build up in my system. A blood test is booked in a fortnight and then science can determine whether everything is ok.
Finally emotionally, as mentioned with hormones, I am everywhere. Up one moment, very down the next. It is difficult sometimes to know where I am too and I still get overwhelmed in an instant. Today saw a very unpleasant experience at hospital with my partner and there was an issue with staff trying to intimidate me by crowing me. I got quite upset and this had a good effect of scattering them out of the way and a ward sister then having to calm me down. I must mention that the ups are quite pleasant and regaining my freedom by being able to drive again has had a positive effect generally. It is like the physical recovery, I just need time to get there.
My GRS time-line :
The surgical site itself is now a two-part story. Externally, all of the suture lines are now completely healed. There is no broken skin at all and no sutures are visible. This healing completed at just over the 5 week mark, which I feel is pretty impressive given that at the 10 day mark it was looking pretty gruesome. I have photo's I have taken every week and the different is staggering. I almost wish I could post them to show how quickly it healed, but it just aint gonna happen! The healing process has of course left scars, but they are of small consequence to me. I realise that some may desire a scar free result because those scars may be a give-away as to a trans past, but it is not that important to me. These scars will fade over time anyway and my age is favourable too. There are suggestions in the discharge notes about scarring, I am still thinking on them.
Whilst externally everything is good, the clitoral area is not quite so good. It is healing slower than the exterior and my guess is that it's because everything is hidden away underneath skin and away from the fresh air. This is where the photo's have been very handy because even with the slowness of it all, I can see how it is improving progressively. This is something that may be worth considering to anyone having GRS in the future.
We have also had some issues with bleeding in this area during the last fortnight. About 10 days ago, whilst out and about, I noticed some pinkness when dabbing after going to the toilet. When getting back home, I found some fresh blood on my pad in the upper area. I did not think to much of this and had no more issues for a few days. Then, this Saturday, Mandy was cleaning the clitoral area and we decided that we would try to remove some of the white build up in the corner. She tried quite hard and the end result was some more bleeding. I then had to take everything quite carefully that day and the found that it stopped by midday. However, a visit to the toilet late afternoon and I suddenly had quite a lot of fresh blood again. The whole weekend was a recurring theme of this and now cleaning has reverted to very gentle wiping of the area.
It got to yesterday and again, fresh blood later in the day, after urination. Another inspection from Mandy and we then had suspicions that it may be coming from the urethral area. I started to piece together all the facts and we began to realise that a lot of these problems were happening on days when I had been drinking more, and then obviously urinating more. An email was written and sent off to Brighton for advice. Amazingly, even in the evening, I received a reply and the thoughts were that it may be granulation tissue around the urethra. Granulation tissue typically has a good blood supply and the urine is disturbing this causing the bleeding. Mandy has had another good look at the area and can find little evidence of this. Provided the bleeding is not an issue, it is actually very minor, I have been told to wait until my post-op check in four weeks and then they will look and treat it if necessary.
Dilation has still presented no issues and I have moved up to a 35mm dilator. So for now, I am using the 30 and 35, three times a day. The next step, possibly in a few weeks is to try the 37.5 and then aim to start with a 32.5. My schedule says that in a week I can drop to twice a day if required but I will continue for the moment three times a day unless I have something happening during the day, but for March this is only a couple of times. I am also finding my dilation time very therapeutic and look forward to it, particularly the middle of the day one. I also found that the morning one was cutting into the day too much as I was having to wait for Mandy to get up before I could use the bed. I got around this problem by doing the first dilation on the settee instead. It's a little cramped but it works and I can be ready for the day ahead much sooner than before.
Hormones are still a slow process. I am now three weeks back on to them and the hot flushes have only just disappeared along with the night sweats. I still feel I am not yet at the right level because I am emotionally all over the place and I have no physical signs of feminising effects. I was on a relatively low dose anyway and it simply be taking time to build up in my system. A blood test is booked in a fortnight and then science can determine whether everything is ok.
Finally emotionally, as mentioned with hormones, I am everywhere. Up one moment, very down the next. It is difficult sometimes to know where I am too and I still get overwhelmed in an instant. Today saw a very unpleasant experience at hospital with my partner and there was an issue with staff trying to intimidate me by crowing me. I got quite upset and this had a good effect of scattering them out of the way and a ward sister then having to calm me down. I must mention that the ups are quite pleasant and regaining my freedom by being able to drive again has had a positive effect generally. It is like the physical recovery, I just need time to get there.
My GRS time-line :
- Surgery recollections - The day of the surgery itself.
- Bed rest - The days following surgery and the critical resting phase.
- Vaginal pack removal and first dilations - The day I saw my vagina for the first time and started dilating.
- Catheter woes and first solo dilations - Catheter comes out, goes back in again! I also dilate without supervision for the first time.
- An adventure of a lifetime - Getting back home and reflecting on the whole experience.
- 10 days post-op - Getting back to normality and bad smells!
- 2 weeks post-op - Catheter removal and successful toileting.
- 3 weeks post-op - Healing well and advancing dilation.
- 4 weeks post-op - More healing and hot flushes.
- Dilation FAQ's - Some ins and outs of dilation
- Post GRS emotions - Dealing with the emotional roller coaster aftermath.
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