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There was hope that I could report that the acne I have been getting is much better. I felt a few days ago it was getting better, but it seems to be getting a little worse again. Perhaps my testosterone levels are wavering a little and I suppose after the bashing I have given the testicles with the oestrogen this is to be expected. I have researched acne a great deal and there is very little I can do to help it. I can purchase lots of expensive creams and lotions, and yet they will do very little. I also have to have had it long term to get any kind of medical treatment, and these are quite aggressive in their nature. The advice is to keep the face clean, but not wash more than twice a day and keep the moisturiser light. I only use my day cream now for it's SPF and I do not need anything at night due to the skin feeling greasy within 30 minutes of washing it. It's just a case of tolerating this and avoiding any scarring until the testosterone is removed from my system.
The night-time erections continue and it is probably every night now. Interestingly, even with this testosterone surge, I still have no sex drive whatsoever. This has really surprised me given how important this hormone is for that side of things. I have talked with others on how the lack of testosterone in post-op trans-women can cause a complete lack of interest in the sexual side of things. One interesting proposition someone had was about taking small quantities of it to help. I am now not so sure this would be of any benefit because I have tons of it and am completely disinterested. There is also the possibility that my genital dysphoria contributes to this lack on interest. This leads me to wonder what sort of sex drive I will have post-op? Perhaps that will be a blog post of its own!
The hot flushes still come and go. Some days they are a minor nuisance and other days are devoid of them.
At this three week mark, my breasts are now worthy of a mention, or not worthy as is more the case. Over the last 18 months I have achieved a reasonable amount of breast growth to the point where I was hovering around a C-cup. For a trans-woman of my age, this was a very lucky achievement. After three weeks of cessation, I can report that they have lost all their pertness. Instead they have become these flaccid lumps that are perhaps half the size they were. I am told they will fill out again and possibly have a post-op bloom, but it is very disappointing to have lost them for now. All my padded bras and silicone fillets have been disposed of as well. I suppose in 3 weeks, I wont be going out and needing to display anything upstairs so like the acne, it's just a case of holding on!
On the emotional side of things, not a great deal has changed. I simply do not feel I have all this testosterone in my system and still feel like I have the oestrogen working it's wonders. It leads me to think just how much of a role the hormones have played in this side of things. I am of the mind they give you the key to unlock your emotions, but they must come from within. Perhaps they help with the dysphoria, ease the symptoms and give you freedom to explore emotions. Perhaps there is more to it than that, but I can say that I still feel as feminine as ever even with the horror that is testosterone in my body.
Thus far, I am more surprised at the scale of the physical changes and even more surprised at the lack of emotional change, I'm still as weepy and tearful as ever. It's opposite to what I expected!
I'll be back on Friday with another update on things, and perhaps it's time to move away from the practical aspects of my upcoming surgery and have a little talk of emotions and feelings regarding it. Catch you then.
Thank you for the regular updates, Lucy. They make fascinating reading. I've lost sex drive too, and had put it down to a combination of gender dysphoria, testosterone blockers and advancing years (in roughly equal proportions). Perhaps, though, it really is more to do with the dysphoria than I'd realized.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment Angie.
DeleteThe oddest thing of all though is that I had more sex drive with a female level of oestrogen and a very low testosterone (1.1 was the highest). Because I managed to avoid the anti-androgens, I found I could use what I had although it took a massive amount of time, patience and concentration. Believe me, the end results were phenomenal after over a year on oestrogen! I really expected when the T started ramping up that this side of things would take over, in my thoughts as much as anything. But there is just no desire for anything at this time.
I am now convinced it is mainly down to the genital dysphoria, which is probably my next blog post. I know I am going to be fixed down there imminently and this perhaps leads me to want to wait now until afterwards and I am healed.
Lucy x