Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Being consumed by transitioning

Recently I have returned to a hobby of old and I am finding myself asking why I ever stopped partaking in this past-time. I wont say what it is just yet, as this will be the subject of another post later on. But this hobby was something I started and then struggled with for my 5 years of transitioning. 

It is on reflection that I can see just how much my transitioning consumed me. I started in 2010 when I came out to Mandy and pretty much from there on, it took over my whole life. The problem I had was once I had started my journey, I wanted to be finished. I so accepted myself as the woman I was, that any part of my maleness, I wanted gone. Until that happened, I could not rest or be happy.

I listen to advice being given to others, principally, be patient and enjoy your journey. I agree that anyone embarking on the road of transitioning needs to be patient, but to be told to enjoy it is very assuming. I hated a great part of my time in transitioning and just wanted it to be over. I grew more and more irritated every time I was told to relax and go with the flow. How the hell can anyone relax when they have anxiety and depression caused by bottlenecks in the system or worse, professionals mistakes?

It became a daily battle. Before I went full time, I found myself thinking constantly of the woman I was and craved so badly to outwardly be her. I could think of nothing else and this led me to find no pleasure in doing anything outside of the pursuit of going full time. There was a time when I had gone full time, that found me enjoying other pursuits. I no longer had to portray "him" any longer and there was a freedom of sorts. 

Then I entered the gender clinic and my transitioning entered a new phase. This was a tough time, the assessments were distressing and again I was completely consumed. Only when I received my diagnosis and initial treatment, could I then relax. It was short lived however because discussion of GRS cropped up and suddenly I was on the road to finally fixing my physical dysphoria. To finally have the hope of having the correct genitals was a powerful motivation and it became consuming once again. This was a massively protracted process and of course, there were financial problems. 

Suddenly, I find myself at the other side. I described it a while ago as if the noise of all the transitioning has now gone. It has made the world a much clearer and crisper place. I look back and wonder how I could have approached this without becoming consumed and the simple answer is I couldn't. I needed no process of accepting myself, it happened over night and every day in my male shell was a difficult day. I appreciated the procedures and protocols that were there to supposedly protect me, and yet I still could not sit back and relax with it.

I have not lost the last five years of my life, but they have been stagnant in some aspects of self-development and this is where I have been very keen to seek new pursuits. One of these is a personal goal I would like to achieve and this is where the new hobby comes in. It is more of an artistic pursuit as opposed to an academic one and could lead to new social avenues in the end. Most important of all, I am finding it fun and interesting and this was the vital element missing during transitioning.


  1. Lucy, I think anyone who has trodden the path that we have will understand the degree to which transition will consume us. The degree will vary from person to person but as I have discovered, it does involve a huge personal investment in terms of time and emotion, not to mention the fiscal side.

    Unlike you, I am only just setting out but the degree to which I have changed my life often staggers me, and I know there is more to come. Old connections have been discarded, along with long standing interests and pastimes. The thing has surprised me is how little regret I have felt. Perhaps this is an indication of the degree to which my transition is consuming me.

    But even so, I feel the need to look beyond my present circumstances and ensure that there will be other interests in my life not only during but beyond my transition. Good luck with your newly revived hobby. I'm looking forward to witnessing the results at a future date. ;-)

    1. Susan,

      Firstly, there are no regrets myself, as you probably know. Even if those 5 years were slightly lost to me in some respects, it was worth every single day of it to get here.

      I also felt there might have been new interests to come during transitioning, but looking back, I am not sure I did really do much new. I hope that this is not the case with yourself :)